1. Peeing before and after sex is more important to you than breathing.
Peeing is a cult. It is a religion. It does not matter if Beyoncé herself saw me running down the hall toward the toilet and wanted to stop and take a selfie together. I would sooner pee directly on who or what got in my way before I'd risk forgoing the postcoital urination that can save me the horrors of a UTI.
2. The pure and utter loathing you feel toward your partner after you realize you have one.
His dick, which once brought such joy, is now a symbol of loathing, simultaneously teeming with bacteria and your hatred. You did this to me, you seethe, teeth clenched, while he frantically googles "UTI PMS."
3. Becoming waaaay too familiar with the pain.
Not sure what's worse: the feeling of razor sharp blades jamming into your urethra every time you have to pee, or the sad reality that you've come to know this unique brand of torture so well that you can tell if you're about to get a UTI before you even have sex.
4. Rattling off the symptoms to your doctor like you're Dr. House.
You've done this so many damn times that you know exactly what to say to get those sweet, sweet, 'biotics (fun, hip slang for "antibiotics"). "Yeah, hi, it's been about 24 hours of dysuria, and my urine is pretty cloudy too. Frequent need to pee, but when I do, not much comes out. Yeah, I get these a lot. You can send the script straight to Watson's, thanks."
5. You've basically become a vagina self-help manual for all your friends.
If you've been open with them about one #VaginaProb, your friends will assume you can help them with all of their inquiries. Which, TBH, you probably can. If you're prone to UTIs in the first place, you have what I lovingly call a Murphy's Law Vagina—anything that can go wrong, will. Yeast infection? Yep, get the Diflucan, not the suppository. Ingrown hairs? Start waxing, stop shaving. Your cup runneth over with vag trivia.
6. Having to explain to your partner why you can't have sex for a while.
"Well, babe, your peen lodged some bacteria, probably E. coli, all up in my urethra, and now I've got an infection that could potentially spread to my kidneys. So, nah, I don't really want to 'watch Game of Thrones and bone.'"
7. You know that drinking cranberry juice won't do shit to make you feel better.
8. The UTI sisterhood is real.
If you've ever met another woman who gets UTIs all the time, too, it's an immediate bonding experience. You never thought the words "one time, I peed out a crystal of blood" could cement the bonds of friendship, but you were wrong.
9. Your life changed the day your doc prescribed you an after-sex antibiotic
Mine was called Macrobid and I took a small dose after each time I had sex. Cue my extreme embarrassment when I had to ask, "So if I have sex more than once a day...how many do I take?"
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