1. "But it's going to be so fun!" It might be, it might not be, but you know what will definitely, for sure be fun? My plan of sitting on my couch with popcorn. So I'm sticking with that.
2. "You've hardly gone out at all this week." I know. That was one of my favorite parts about this week.
3. "I think you're depressed." Because I don't want to go to a bar at midnight with '90s bros shouting Kesha lyrics? That is not a known symptom of depression, FYI.
4. "So you're just going to stay here all alone? Aw, that's sad." â€‹Sad?! I'm going to make this weird Pinterest banner with a glue gun and some cutout letters, and then eat Cheetos in my underwear. That sounds like the opposite of sad to me, my friend.
5. "But everyone will be so excited to see you!" That's so sweet! Please remind them that I love them but that I am also in charge of my own decisions and rarely if ever feel comfortable at parties. Xo.
6. "I'm going to stop inviting you to things because you never go." That's mean, but fair.
7. "Do you hate fun?" Oh, no, no, no! I love fun, which is why I'm going to stay inside and reorganize my closet while listening to Sia.
8. "Why don't you want to go out? You don't even have any plans!" Eating lasagna while watching Suits is totally a plan, so I don't see your point.
9. "Katie will be there! You love Katie!" I do love Katie and I plan to see her next week for coffee, and that will be fun then and not now!
10. "Don't be shy. Everyone there will love you." As well they should. The problem, you see, is I also love myself and want to hang out with only me.
11. "But you need to unwind. You've been so stressed lately." Yes, and part of that stress is currently coming from being asked to do things I totes do not want to do.
12. "But there's going to be a giant chandelier and 18 kegs and face painting and baby monkeys carrying little crepes!" It does not matter how fantastic the party is. There will still be people there and I will have to put on pants. No.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.