1. You go to parties, but you don't go out to party.
You go out to see your friends who are having birthdays or going away parties or engagement parties, but you don't go there to drink for free or to drink for free before you go to da club; you actually go to see your friends.
2. When you do make it out to parties, you have one drink.
And then look at your spouse and wonder why you ever left your apartment where the floors aren't sticky and strangers won't spill drinks on you, and agree to go home.
3. You never go OUT out anymore.
Clubs are for kids.
4. Pretty much all the partying you do where you stay out late and dance happens at other people's weddings.
As a result, you are perfectly comfortable dancing hard to the Black Eyed Peas, Journey, "Time of My Life," the Electric Slide, and other things old people are into.
5. You don't know what the hot new bars are.
When your friends visit from out of town and ask for recommendations for cool bars and clubs, the only place you can think to suggest was cool six years ago. "Wala nang Embassy?!"
6. When you see women wearing heels on Friday or Saturday night, you wonder why they choose such uncomfortable weekend wear.
If you've got nothing else to do, isn't throwing your FitFlops on and going to Army Navy with your man for burritos and milkshakes the ~most fun~ thing you can do? Amirite?
7. A very solid Friday or Saturday night for you and your spouse involves splurging on a P500 bottle of wine and watching reruns on TV.
Either that or he watches Madagascar 3 with you because you're in love and you made those eyes at him. *Sighs dreamily.*
8. When you go to a party at a bar, you realize you can't remember the last time you did that.
9. You RSVP by telling people you will "stop by."
That way you have an easy out when you decide you'd rather be on your couch next to your man catching up on Game of Thrones or staring at the wall.
10. You are very annoyed when someone starts a party after 10 p.m.
Hello! You normally have your contacts out, teeth brushed, and a paraffin foot wrap on by 10 p.m. Plus, next-morning yoga class!
11. If your spouse isn't also invited, you're probably not going to go.
Don't people know the rule that married people are actually a married unit, essentially functioning as one human with the same thoughts, feelings, curfews, etc.?
12. You don't have a section of "going out" clothes hanging in your closet anymore.
Your going out clothes are now your dresses that you only wear to work under blazers, only you don't wear the blazers (hard pass on another dry cleaning bill).
13. Ladies night is just not what it used to be.
Either you stick it out long enough to wingwoman for your friend who ends up making out with someone in the corner, or you have one drink and go home as soon as someone accidentally brushes against your ass, aka 20 minutes after you get to the bar/lounge.
14. The next morning, if you are hungover, it's fine because you have someone to help you procure a breakfast sandwich and bring you Advil.
You might trade a sex act for the service but whatever: morning sex! #MarriedLife #Blessed.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.