1. "Kumusta love life?"
So simple and yet SO irritating. Trust me, when my life is full of the joys of a new man, I will be shouting it from the rooftops.
2. "Can I make you a Tinder account???"
3. "Your life is so exciting! I'm so jealous!"
You're not really, though, are you? Not when you're spending a cozy Saturday night getting your boobs rubbed by your boyfriend, having takeout food and wine, AND you get to have sex at the end of it all. Yeah?
4. "You're just too picky, that's all."
What if I am?
5. "So who are you taking as your plus one?"
Is it socially acceptable to take your mom to a colleague's wedding? Again?
6. "Oh my god, I've got the PERFECT guy to set you up with."
Funnily enough, I don't feel happy about trusting you to set me up with yet another of your boyfriend's ridiculous friends he met in a bachelor party. There's a reason they've been single since Bora '09.
7. "What's wrong with everyone? You're so maarte!"
Whatever happened to just not finding the right one yet? Speaking of which…
8. "Don't worry about it! It'll happen when you least expect it."
And that is WHEN exactly?
9. "At least you can go out whenever you want, without having to answer to anybody."
Pretty sure I was "allowed" to do that while with my last boyfriend.
10. "Just go on vacation on your own!"
11. "Have you tried speed-dating?"
I'm not Bridget Jones single.
12. "Make sure you're happy on your own first."
I AM happy on my own. I just prefer being happy with someone else.
13. "Just put yourself out there a bit more."
Besides physically locking myself outside my house, I don't think I could physically be ANY MORE OUT THERE.
14. "There's plenty of fish in the sea."
What if I liked the fish I used to have?
15. "You've got a great career! Who needs a man?"
Can't have sex with your career, though, can you?
16. "Haha! I wish I was single again!"
When you laugh at my stories of yet another failed date or another weirdo I saw on Tinder, that is a very definite sign you do NOT wish you were single again. But it is a very definite sign that you are laughing at my misery. At least someone is.
17. "I can totally set you up!"
Ah, that's really nice that you are offering up your services to me. It makes me feel like a lame little lobster that is unable to find a mate for life on its own.
18. "I'm so jealous of all the 'me time' you get!"
And I'm so jealous of all the "sex time" you get.
19. "What happened to...what was his name?"
We actually fell madly in love and got married, sorry you weren't invited. I am currently in my fifth month of pregnancy and picking out the good schools for little Isabel. What do you think?
20. "It's kind of a couples thing..."
Oh, I'm so glad you told me. I am in fact allergic to being around people who aren't single, and so it is important I am warned of social events involving large proportions of couples at all times.
21. "You just need to start dating again."
22. "At least you're saving some money."Trust me, the money I am saving on romantic dinners and birthday presents I am spending in wine and a Netflix subscription.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.co.uk. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.