1. Is it bad to have champagne after that margarita?
I don't feel that drunk now but that hardly negates the possibility of becoming sick at an inopportune time! Any inopportune time being "before I get back home." Note to self: Salad is never the best way to start a Friday night.
2a. Is this guy guwapo or is it just dark in here?
Is there better lighting by the bathrooms? Though I probably have drunk greasy nightclub face. Best to avoid.
2b. Is this guy really guwapo or am I just drunk?
3. Should I revenge-spill a drink on that guy who spilled his drink on me?
Fucker. *Reminds self would not be this angry if not drunk*.
4. Does this bar have an outlet?
WHERE IS MY POWERBANK. UGH I HATE TECHNOLOGY.
5. Is my bra showing in front?
6. Should I go home?
(Yes.) (But that hot guy grinding on that pretty girl might talk to me.) (But I'm too drunk to coherently communicate with random hot men anyway.) (GO HOME NOW WITH THE GIRLS YOU CAME HERE WITH.)
7. Should I look at Tinder right now or is that just asking for trouble?
Swippity swipe, swipe!
8. What is this song that everyone seems to know the words to?
Also, why does it come with a dance I'm also supposed to know?
9. Am I sexy dancing or do I just look WaStEd?
Oh well, fortunately I'm drunk, so it doesn't matter!
10. Where's the closest Mcdo?
I should definitely eat before I go home. French fries >>> whatever's at home.
11. Should I buy two drinks so I don't have to wait in this line again?
12. Should I just go into the men's bathroom?
Ugh, but I don't want to see random dudes' penises if there are urinals.
13. Am I drunk?
I can't get drunk like I used to anymore. I must do this too much.
14. Should I text that guy?
Yes! *Immediately regrets texting that guy*.
15. SoOoOooooOO how will I get home?
Uber it is! Sorry dad, this one's going on your credit card.
16. Would I look disgusting if I took my shoes off?
This is pain that all the Band-Aids in my purse know not how to heal.
17. Should I request a song?
What's a girl gotta do to hear some One Direction in this place?!
18. If I dance sexy-like in front of the DJ will he let me in his booth?
Is he cute? He looks cute. It's probably just because he's in a position of power right now. I don't really want to date a DJ IRL but—Ooh, oooh, is he noticing me? *Duckface*!
19. Will I look weird taking a selfie if no one else is in it?
My smoky eye is just so good right now. And look at my cat-eye! SLAY.
20. Is that [enter name of socialite/B-list celebrity] sitting over there?
It totally is. This place is so shala. Am I cool yet?
21. Was everyone always this young?
22. Is that the guy I made out with last weekend?
FML, FML. Ay, he's guwapo pala!
23. Should I smoke a cigarette?
Smoking is so fun and looks cool! Wait, ew, no—no, it's neither of those things.
24. Did anyone see me fall just now?
Walang poise. Woops.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.