1. Wow, that person looks super cool with that piercing. OMG.
I'm going to do it too. This is it. Yes. This will change everything. This simple act of acupuncture will solve my sprawling existential crisis. Or something.
2. Except, that pain thing…
It can't be worse than the earlobe piercings I got as a kid. It's irrelevant that I almost chickened out of getting the second ear done because it hurt so bad. Or that earlobes are only little flaps of skin and my lip has actual muscles in it. ACTUAL MUSCLES.
3. Oh, and that Mom thing…
I'm a strong independent grown-up woman. She can't stop me. I must admit that even thinking about her reaction is giving me second thoughts, though. Shakes-and-nightmares kind of second thoughts. How much will she cry compared to how much I will cry? So many considerations.
4. Eyebrow or tongue?
Or nose or… Oh, goddamn it! I'll get it all done.
5. IT COSTS THAT MUCH to "get it all done"?!
I do not possess these funds… but there must be a way. Would my boss see this as serious grounds for a pay raise?
6. Oh, that work thing… I hadn't thought about that.
Maybe the boss will let me work in the basement, away from HR's eagle eyes.
7. Maybe I'll just quit my job. It'll be worth it.
I'll probably become a piercing apprentice, actually. Since piercings are the only thing I can think about these days.
8. What do you mean, you can do it now?
Despite all the previous statements, I can categorically state that I was kinda hoping and expecting that you would schedule my piercing appointment on a day I might not be able to make, at least 50 years in the future.
9. Don't come at me like that with a sharp object.
I don't care how calming and professional you are.
10. The meaning of fear.
I leave my collector's edition Bowie records to my mother, my guitar to my boyfriend and my vast fortune to my cat. Make sure she gets caviar for every meal, please. Cat, not mother, that is. Mother can have tuna. Priorities.
11. There is an enormous needle in my face, close to the places where actual tears are falling.
And now you want to put a ring through where the needle is. This is all too much.
13. My BELLY is bleeding.
I didn't know it would bleed. Is this a scene from Alien, or…? All. The. Blood. I had no idea I contained this sheer volume of platelets.
14. My face is six times its original size.
I need all the ice cream. I cannot believe that appearing to have fallen on my lip (probably via some broken glass) is now the latest part in my never-ending list of risky fashion statements. And yet...
15. Are people looking at me? Are they?
They must realise how IMPORTANT the small piece of metal in my cheek is. How groundbreaking! Let me sashay on to the bus like the rock star I am… Notice me, notice me, notice me!!!!!
16. Yeah, what? I got it done AGES ago. It's no big deal. I might even take it out one day.
Over my dead body.