1. "Okay ka lang?"
That's a really stupid question. Of course I'm not okay. I just broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. So here I am crying in my office cube, trying to pretend to get work done. No, I don't need a day off. What's with the sad eyes? Why are you getting so close? STOP HUGGING ME.
NO THAT'S ONLY GOING TO MAKE THINGS WORSE, YOU WEIRDO. Please stop patting my back or my shoulder. What's with the touching? No, no, no don't come close! Great, now I'm crying again!
3. "But he was such a GREAT guy!"
I am bawling my eyes out, and here you are telling me that my ex was one of the nice ones? I don't need that right now! I need you to tell me he's a douche! That he's fat/ugly/smells funny/an a**hole! And that I'm totally better off on my own. Right? OMG WHY AM I STILL CRYING.
4. "Do you want to watch The Notebook?"
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?! No, I do not want to eat a tub of ice cream either!
5. "Oh, but I'm sure there's a really long line of guys you want to go out with you."
Do the guys in that line look like John Lloyd?
How about Bamboo?
No? Well then forget about it. Also, WHAT LINE?!
Go to the next page! [nextpage]
6. "So I have this friend..."
I don't want to date yet! I'm depressed, sad, and I feel ugh—oh, he's hot? Like on a scale of 1-10, 10 being he has Ryan Gosling's abs. 9.5?
Cool, I'm free Friday.
7. "Taylor Swift has the best post-breakup songs."
I already know that. Tell me something else.
8. "Ah kaya pala I saw him with someone else the other day!"
Okay, I wasn't prepared for that. You know what? I don't care. I'm not even going to ask what she looks like. So is she pretty? But I'm like prettier, right? What do you mean she looks like Ellen Adarna? Feeling ko rebound girl lang 'yun. I'm sure she's stupid. Right? WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DON'T KNOW. Why are you getting my phone away from me? I am TOTALLY NOT stalking her on Facebook right now.
9. Shopping tayo!
Just kidding. I really want to hear this. Tara?