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Why I'm Chasing My Dreams A Thousand Miles Away

It's not an easy decision to make, but it's a necessary one.

I never thought quarter life crisis was a real thing until it hit me square in the face—hard. So hard that it sent me spiralling into a state of limbo—a dark, confusing, and depressing place that I couldn’t seem to crawl out of, no matter how hard I tried.

For months I struggled to keep it together. I had to keep it together, not only for my own sake, but for the people around me. I had to force myself to smile despite feeling empty inside, and I had to pretend like I was okay when my heart was breaking into a million pieces. I convinced myself that if I could fool everyone else into thinking that there was nothing wrong, I’d be able to fool myself, too. But that never really happens, does it?

The thing is I know I don’t have much to complain about. I have a job I love, I work with a team who aren’t just my officemates, but who are my sisters (and brother!) IRL, I have a family that supports me unconditionally, and I have the best set of friends a girl could ever ask for.

So, what’s the problem? Honestly, I have no idea; that’s the problem. All I know is that there’s something missing, and I’m determined to figure out
what it is.

So when I found myself sitting on my bed one night randomly checking airfares in hopes of catching a seat sale, I had an idea: what if I moved to New York City? It was something I always dreamed of doing ever since I first set foot in the Big Apple when I was 10 years old, but I never thought I’d actually do it. I didn’t think I was brave enough to go for it. And it was at that moment that I knew that I had to do it. So I booked a one-way ticket then and there. Crazy, right? But it was the best decision I’ve made in a while. I instantly felt like a huge load was lifted off my chest.

All my life I’ve always played it safe. I was the good girl who followed the rules and did the right thing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m far from perfect and I‘ve definitely had my fair share of mistakes, but I never strayed too far to shake up my world.

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And I feel like that’s precisely what I need in my life right now—a big change. A little extreme, maybe, but totally worth it.

Moving away is a scary thought, especially if you’re traveling thousands of miles away from your comfort zone. I’m leaving everything I’ve ever known behind—my family, my friends, my job, my security. It wasn’t an easy decision to make, but it was a necessary one. I feel like I need to get away from what I’m accustomed to and see what else is out there for me. Otherwise, I’ll be stuck in this rut. I need to distance myself from the familiar and comfortable to grow. I need to learn how to fend for myself and to be independent.

I don’t have a definite plan yet, and I don’t know if I’ll find what I’m looking for in NYC, but I’m willing to give it a shot. I'd like to think there's beauty in the uncertainty of it all. I know it’s going to be a real challenge, living alone in a city that can eat me up if I don’t work hard enough or walk fast enough. There will be days when I’ll question my decision and I will miss my life here.

As excited as I am for this big change, I am also terrified. But as the saying goes, if it doesn’t scare you, it’s probably not worth doing.

Manila will always be my home, and I know I will be back one day, but for now, this is what I need to do. So this isn’t goodbye; only see you later. Working for Cosmo.ph has taught me to be fearless and brave, and I’m going to continue being fearless and brave as I embark on this new journey. It’s been a pleasure and a privilege knowing, growing, and learning from all of you, CGs. I will always and forever be a Cosmo girl at heart.

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