1. What do you mean more foreplay? That was just foreplay to the foreplay? I can only take so much before I start to cramp out everywhere. How about a forebreak?
2. Listen, sex is a balancing act and at a certain point we're just blowing each other and not doing anything else. If we keep doing this for too long, it's not foreplay. It's just oral with two minutes of sex at the end. I'm not saying I have a problem with that, it's just not what I signed up for. It's like clicking on a YouTube link, and you expect to see a video, but then someone blows you for an hour first.
3. Yes, I want you to come, but my penis is feeling neglected. It forgot what we're doing and now it just wants to pee. It has a very short attention span.
4. Doesn't sucking on your nipples during sex count as foreplay? I'm just trying to be efficient.
5. I truly understand why vibrators were invented now. I'm only a man. I can only take so much.
6. Can we set some kind of deadline? Listen, I don't want to come off as selfish, but at a certain point, we should cut our losses and just start intercoursing.
7. I would complain less if we 69ed. I know you hate it. I'm just saying. No, I'm not asking to do it. I'm just saying if we did do it, I would complain less.
8. Can we at least change positions? I've been lying on my stomach so long my penis fell asleep. It actually might be dead. Can a penis die? Does it go to heaven? Please tell me it goes to heaven.
9. This has gone from foreplay to forework. (Ugh I'm so sorry)
10. At this point, I'm offended you'd even rather sit here while I lazily finger-bang you instead of having sex. Am I that bad at sex? Or am I that good at lazy finger-banging?
11. I owe you an apology. I just looked at the clock and it's only been five minutes. Alright, let's keep doing this.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.