1. "Fine." No guy wants his penis to be fine. Sandwiches can be described as adequate. Hell, a lot of things can be described as adequate as long as there's room for improvement. But no one wants to find out their sex organ is the equivalent of a bologna sandwich on white bread.
2. "Cute." It's OK to call a man's face "cute." It's even reasonable to say he has a cute butt. But "cute" makes things sound diminutive, like a tiny puppy. He wants to think of his penis as a great badass wolf.
3. "Normal." Normal is great when you're getting test results back from your doctor. And honestly, it's not the worst thing in the world. But if his penis is "normal" it means, by default, it is not the best penis you've ever had. That's not to say you should lie to him but definitely fudge the truth a little.
4. "Gross." Unless we're using this word as part of some weirdly convoluted profit-generating metaphor, stay away. And even then, that's some weird dirty talk. I'm trying to imagine what that would even be like. "Your penis is generating a gross income of my vagina's orgasms"? Does that even make sense? I don't understand money or vaginas so this one is really difficult for me.
5. "Eh." If you don't have anything not-neutral to say, don't say anything at all.
6. "Scary." Yeah, you can say negative things about a guy who is too big too. But try "intimidating" instead. Otherwise you'll make him feel like his penis is a deal breaker.
7. "Skinny." We're not here to debate whether or not this is true, but guys have had it drilled into their head that size matters. And that means all possible penis dimensions, including width.d
8. "Shrimpy." This is a terrible nickname because not only are you calling it small, you're also saying it's incredibly, unbelievably white and veiny and possibly tastes fishy. "Stubby," "short," "small" and any other synonyms also fall into this category. Just avoid commenting on his size if you think he's, uh, lacking.
9. "Junjun." It's not a good nickname for a penis. Period.
10. [Frantically pointing and screaming.] Only do this if his penis is literally on fire. Otherwise it's offensive and just plain rude.
11. "The second-best penis I've ever seen." The truth hurts. And regardless of how honest you are with each other in your day-to-day lives, keep it out of the bedroom.
12. "Weird." If he's got a curve or a bulbous head, just consider it "unique." Penises come in all shapes and sizes, and who knows, this one could feel a lot better than it looks. Kind of like an old comfy couch.
13. "Pututoy." If it's a term you learned for the penis when you were five years old, do not use it as an adult, especially not during dirty talk. However, phrases you learned in high school (such as "dong") are appropriate, but still keep them outside of the bedroom.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.