1. This kissing is going exactly as well as it needs to go for one night.
I'm not in love with this man in some "Oh my god, the fireworks!" kind of way, but I am into him in a "Those abs are A+ and this kissing isn't too shabby either" kind of way.
2. I think his name was Diego but also who cares.
It was really loud in there and who has time for names anyway? I just want to have sex with this dude, and I'm sure he thinks my name is "Denise maybe?" anyway.
3. Uh, I really hope he doesn't assault or kill me.
I've been watching a lot of Law & Order lately and there's seriously a good chance he's going to strangle me in my sleep or in, like, 20 minutes from now, but I'll just hope for the best and keep a knife nearby. Being a woman is very chill.
4. Um, am I supposed to, like, pretend to have a conversation with you or something, or can we just do sex stuff immediately?
I'd really love to just do the second one but that feels weird, so I guess I'll ask if you want some water or juice.
5. What's the sexiest way to bring up our latest STD testing results?
And that a lot of STDs can still be contracted even if we use a condom? By just asking and hope it isn't weird? OK, I'll do that.
6. Ugh, when was the last time you showered because you did not do a thorough job.
Why don't we just take a five-minute break and go take a shower together, but, like, in a hot way. Not in the "I just told you you don't smell great" way.
7. Oh, crap, what if he steals something while he's in my bathroom?
He has really pretty skin, so my pricey eye creams may be at risk. Maybe I'll check his pockets before he leaves.
8. I'm so glad we didn't go to his place.
Actually, I kind of wish we had because now I have to wash my sheets way sooner than I would've normally, but also, at least here my roommate could hear me scream if he's insane.
9. I'm seriously having sex with someone who I didn't know existed until like an hour ago.
This must be what it's like to have a newborn baby and you're like, "You didn't exist outside a womb last month!"
10. What if he has a girlfriend or all his friends think he's insane or he has awful taste in everything?
Focus, self. Focus. Just try to have an orgasm because you seriously will probably never see him again unless you want to, but you'll cross that bridge.
11. What if he's like incredibly sweet and great, and this is our "how we met" story?
Aww, and then we're like, "We had no idea we'd fall in love!" So cute.
12. I'm about to have an orgasm from a stranger.
I feel like I'm just in the movies! The movies!
13. I am so damn glad I talked to this dude at the bar.
Seriously, people should take more chances. This worked out so well.
14. Aaaand he needs to leave.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.