Before rolling out this horrifying list of attempted DIY condoms, allow me to clarify that there is no such thing as a DIY condom, because if it’s DIY, it’s NOT A CONDOM. If you use a thing that is not a condom as a condom, you may get pregnant and if not die, hurt yourself. Not to mention the poor penis that has been outfitted in something that was never meant to make contact with genitals.
Your vagina is not a trashcan. Do not put trash in it, and definitely do not insert any the following. Consider each item another argument for comprehensive sex ed and access to contraception.
1. A plastic bag.
This one is more than an old wives’ tale. Just last month, a pair of students from Vietnam used a plastic bag as a barrier method because they were too embarrassed to go out and buy condoms; the bag created so much friction that their genitals bled and they both landed in the hospital. Yikes. Plastic bags are abundant and thin, but they do not an evening of safe or pleasurable lovemaking make.
2. An ice pop wrapper.
Ana Santos, a sex writer and educator from the Philippines, once told me that when young people in her country can’t get their hands on condoms, they sometimes repurpose the wrappers of Calypso. Calypso is a kind of ice pop. An ice pop is not a penis. As Santos so succinctly put it, "Ouchie."
3. A disposable glove.
Attempts of literal gloves taking the place of metaphorical "gloves" run rampant. A depressing 2014 survey of 1,500 British women found that a quarter of them had heard of "alternative" barrier methods being used during sex, including plastic bags and, yes, latex gloves. As in, these women knew couples who’ve done this. As an inquiring mind on Reddit once asked, "Would a latex glove and a rubber band be a good substitute for a condom?" "Just curious," the user added. As the top comment answered, "Would a baby be a good substitute for all the quiet time you used to have?" To this, the correct answer is "hell no."