Judging by the newly released Fifty Shades trailer, it looks like the next installment will feature a masquerade ball, yacht-cuddling, and some shady (literally, because they emerge from pitch darkness) ex-girlfriends. But that's not all. Fifty Shades Darker teased what looks to be a *~very~* steamy shower scene, and, knowing Christian and Ana, what will likely be some very raunchy sex after.
With reflexes that could only be described as "feline," Christian artfully pins the inexplicably-still-clothed Ana against the shower wall and proceeds with a passionate kiss. This could potentially become the hottest scene in the series so far. There's just one problem: it's literally not how shower sex works. Ever. For anyone. Let's break it down:
1. The actual shower.
Christian Grey's shower is bigger than most studio apartments. There is actually space for him to glide across with Ana safely in tow. Of course your shower sex life would be more graceful if the setting was, in fact, just a mahogany-lined room with light ceiling drizzling. Sigh, one day.
2. The seamless, slip-free movement.
Part of what makes this so damn alluring is the perfectly coordinated push against the wall. There's not even a millisecond of potential falling-over on either party's part. In real life, even in the limited space of a bathtub, you're uber-aware of your feet as you shift into a new position, or even at all. One toe out of line and you're facing a concussion, and a very naked, very wet trip to the hospital.
3. The pressing-against-the-wall.
Ana looks blissfully "in the moment," with her eyes fully closed the entire time. Except there's no way she isn't freezing and cramped up with her entire body slammed against a surface colder and stiffer than Christian Grey's constant demeanor. Secretly, she's dreaming of fluffy sheets and a long massage.
4. The clothes remaining (mostly) on.
On one hand, being so consumed with lust that you simply must enter the shower, right now, while still clothed, sounds like the pinnacle of #RelationshipGoals. On the other hand, every person who's ever attempted shower sex knows that one does not simply bathroom-intercourse all willy-nilly. You turn the faucet on and smirk at each other while you strip down. You gingerly hop in and help the other person in after you. Shower sex is an event, not a casual happenstance.