For most cisgender straight people, the first time they have sex makes a relative degree of sense to them. They identify with the gender they were assigned, so sex feels mostly natural and comfortable. For transgender or genderqueer people however, this comfort is often lacking from their first sexual experiences. Thankfully, though, having sex after they begin their transition can be a completely different experience. It's almost like losing your virginity, for a second time.
Cosmopolitan.com reached out to three transgender people to find out what it was like to have sex for the first time after finally began to present as the gender with which they identified.
1. Daliah, a 36-year-old woman who began her transition at age 25.
"My first time, pre-transition, was unplanned and exhilarating, though not completely pleasant. My first sexual partner was a complete stranger I met on my way to the library. He was older and I relied on him to guide me through the process, but he was clearly inexperienced in the matter. I remember he used hand sanitizer as lubricant because he thought it would be more appropriate for anal sex—ouch! The whole time I hid my male parts as much as I could and wanted him to be the dominant one. The entire experience was clumsy, but we managed to salvage things by cuddling and watching a movie on his couch. We later picked up where we left off and the second time, we got it right.
After my sex change, I was terrified to have sex with my newly formed vagina for the first time. I had been dilating, as the doctor recommended, and dilation was extremely painful. I tried putting sex off for as long as I could, but my boyfriend at the time was really accepting. When we finally had sex, the experience turned out to be all I had imagined it would be. It was painful but it also made me feel more like the woman I identified as. I no longer felt shame in hiding my "unwanted parts," because they no longer were there. I felt as if I had always had a vagina, like I had never had my sex reassignment surgery. I felt whole, comfortable, and as close as I could feel to being truly me."
2. Sidney Chase, a 24-year-old woman who began her transition at age 21.
"My first girlfriend and I decided to sleep together when I was 15 and clueless. It was very much a situation where she took control and I just lay there. I was attracted to her, but I was not attracted to the role I was expected to play. I'm pansexual. I like being with women, I like being with men. I especially like being with trans and non-binary folks. In this situation, I was expected to play a hyper-masculine role, when in reality, I was a dominant submissive femme with a non-binary edge of dual gender. Overall though, pre-transition sex was basically like having sex with ski equipment on. It was possible, it was just very uncomfortable. Also, I think sex was terrible back then because I was unbalanced in my masculine and feminine energies. Everybody has to have those balances, especially trans people. Once I found my balance after starting hormone replacement therapy, sex changed completely. My entire body glows a different glow, things tingle that did not before. I never used to react to sex. Now, however, I am reactive and unconfined in the bedroom."
3. Oliver, a 32-year-old man who began his transition at age 31.
"Losing my virginity the first time was a blur, mostly because I was borderline blackout drunk. A few things were clear: I hated my body and thusly required tons of alcohol and complete darkness to even do it. Even though I thought I was gay and was primarily attracted to women, I felt an insane pressure to 'fuck the gay away' in order to impress or convince others (maybe even myself?) that I was cisgender. Because of that, I decided to lose my virginity to some random guy I met at a college party. The only thing I remember was that he was significantly older, didn't even go to my school, and had a decent-sized cock. I couldn't wait for it to end. The moment it began, I wished it hadn't, but it ended fairly quickly.
"The first time I had sex after transitioning was incredible. Getting to have sex, and be respected and treated as male while doing so was pretty invigorating. I felt comfortable and like sex was finally something I could really enjoy. I was also sober and the lights were on, but I didn't recognize the significance of that until just now."