How To Deal With A Seloso BF And Other Types Of Difficult Partners

The three types of difficult partners and how to deal with them.

Most people believe in forever. When we first encounter our significant other, and the freshest stages of love begin, most of us fall into the trap of believing “YES. THIS IS THE ONE. THE PERFECT PERSON I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR ALL MY LIFE!!”

Once love grows to be a bit more complicated and problematic, our partner's flaws come to light. Sometimes this “reverse blooming” ends a relationship. But most of us want to fight for our love despite the difficulties. Here are three common difficult types of partners and how to deal with them:

1. The Seloso/Selosa type

Ever had that partner who just never seems to trust you? He wants to know where you are, where you’re going, whom you’re with, and so on. He questions every text you send. He stalks your Facebook and plots secret vendettas against your guy friends who consistently like your profile pictures. It’s suffocating. Like you have to log every detail of your day with him like paying taxes at the BIR. You would never cheat on him. You’re just having a life. Why can’t he see that?

The other side: The truth is, most of the time, jealous partners are highly insecure in a way that they themselves can’t help. If they can at least admit that they’re the jealous type, then they’re aware that a lot of their paranoia is irrational. But they can’t help feeling the fear. It’s automatic. It can sometimes feel like a question of trust, but half the time it’s not YOU specifically they distrust. It’s the people around you or the situations you’re in. On top of that (stroke your ego here a bit—why not) they probably can’t even imagine how ordinary you look to your friends because to them, you’re the most attractive person in the world. And other people are out to steal you from them!

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The fix: It's easy to have a major bitch fit when you're picking a fight with a jealous partner. But communication really is key. Reassure your partner that your guy best friend Mike really IS just your guy best friend. Arrange for a dinner date so that y'all can hang out together. That way, your boyfriend and your guy BFF can have an actual conversation. Once your guy sees that Mike isn't a horrible human being and isn't trying to steal you away from him, he'll ease up. This might take a while though, so be really, REALLY patient. 

2. The Moody kind

There are really just some people who get moody from time to time. While this is statistically common in girls than in guys, there are still plenty of guys who get all sensitive and broody occasionally. It can be hard though, because when you’re in a close relationship with someone, your moods get intertwined. Your partner being down can bring you down, too. Worst, it can feel like it’s your fault, like you’re not doing enough to keep him happy.

The other side: They can’t help it. It’s not as if they want to feel bad all of a sudden. But when the mood strikes, there is almost nothing they can do to fend themselves off from it. Imagine suddenly feeling like the world is against you. Try as you might to convince yourself everything is fine, the good feelings just don’t come. It can feel like a cage to some depressives. What they want more than anything is for the sadness to end. They don’t want your judgment and certainly not your frustration.

The fix: The good thing about moods is that they end. Just as suddenly and inevitably as they begin. A common reaction to a partner’s bad mood is wanting to help, to cheer him up, maybe even try to figure out what the problem is and fix it. This is well-meant but won’t help most of the time. The mood has no cause or fix—it just happens and then ends. That’s what you want to remind your partner: The mood will go away, and until it does, you’ll be right there with so much patience. You should be right there in the cage with your partner to keep him company.

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3. The Addict

Everyone has a vice. If you’re lucky, your partner will be addicted to baking you cupcakes. Sometimes though, we get partners who are smokers, weedboys, or even porn addicts (the Don Jons of the world). While these are not necessarily negative right off the bat and appreciation for these guys is up to your personal taste, it’s not impossible for you to fall in love with someone who turns out to have a vice you don’t altogether agree with. You don’t want to be controlling, but at the same time you fear for your partner’s health/sanity/sperm count. You can’t find the line between accepting him for who he is and trying to be a force of well-meant change in his life.

The other side: Addiction is hard to define. But not everyone who does a little drinking, for example, is automatically a drunk. Vices are part of everyday life and they’re good stress-relievers, or simply social activities. Addicts however are often specifically TRYING to get away from something—something that would be healthier to just face. A good rule of thumb when deciding if someone is already addicted is if he consistently turns to the easy vice at the first sign of difficulty in his life, then begins to sacrifice other things (food, work, sleep, money, you). Remember that an addict does not know he is addicted.

The fix: There are many ways to show your partner that they are already deep in whatever their issue is. This will depend on him. Does he respond to a rational argument? Do you need to scare him with proof of what’s happening to him? Can he feel guilty when you tell him how concerned his friends and family are? The important thing is to do it out of love, and never out of judgment. Once the problem has been admitted, it will be a matter of disciplining your partner, which you now have a right to do since you both agreed that it’s something to be done. Remember not to falter, because your partner surely will. Be firm. The best way you can help is to TRUST what he wanted when he was in a lucid state of mind. Not what he says he wants when he’s hungry. Love him well, and take care of him.

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