1. If she goes all out with her hair and makeup, you're contractually obligated to become a compliment factory. It took her four YouTube tutorials and pricey makeup products to look like that, and she has not even gotten to her persistent fears about falling in heels. Compliments, please. She's basically a hero right now.
2. There will definitely be plenty of room for your stuff in her practically empty shower. Yes, she has room for your half-empty bottle of shampoo. It can go right next to her half-empty bottle of a nicer-smelling shampoo, which is right next to her bottle of body wash, and that is all of the things in her shower.
3. If you tell her you need to leave in an hour, she will not start getting ready until 10 minutes before you have to leave. And don't get on her ass about it because trust me, she'll be ready to go with two minutes to spare and still look like Jessica Alba in the late '90s (this was a great Jessica Alba time).
4. If she asks you to go with her to the mall, rest assured the trip will take an hour max and that she hates it more than you do. If she could have a closet full of clothes she never had to try on again ever, she would choose this option so fast, so please just come with her and know that if one of you has a nervous breakdown due to being in some dumb mall, it will definitely be her.
5. The closest she gets to sexy sleepwear is baggy T-shirts she got for free that have weird holes in them. Which is probably seductive to someone somewhere, right? RIGHT?
6. ?Staying in and ordering delicious food while you watch movies together is her version of going to a five-star restaurant and getting all of the steaks. She's never regretted staying in and doing nothing while eating snacks. Not once. ?
7. She'd rather you just treat her really well all the time than shower her with a blood diamond tiara you can see from space. Yeah, those things are nice, but not as nice as you helping her make dinner, cleaning the dishes when she's too tired to, and doing her laundry with yours because you know she hates doing it.
8. Her Starbucks order has, like, two words in it so your chances of feeling like a dick while ordering her drink for her are slim to none.
9. The closest she gets to getting a manicure is trimming her nails on the couch before going to bed. She'll also definitely pat herself on the back for giving herself such a dope manicure even though she knows she did literally nothing.
10. If you ask her about a fancy designer, she'll probably just stare at you like you're asking the person behind her. Listen, man, she doesn't know who Derek Lam is any more than you do. Ask someone else.
11. Her standard drink order is "beer." Not Stella, or Coors, or something from France. Just "beer." You can try asking her what kind of beer, but she will just shoo you away and say, "Whatever they have," every time so just go get her some ~*beer in general*~ so she can have something to wash down wings with.
12. She will have something on her face 20 percent of the time. Since she's not always checking herself out in the mirror, she'll probably have smudged eyeliner on one eye, lipstick on one of her front teeth, or something in her nose a good portion of the time. Also, please tell her that is the case. She already has a feeling she has shit on her face. ?
13. She has no patience for you when you can't make a simple freaking decision. Wear the gray T-shirt or the gray T-shirt that has white flecks in it, but just pick one. She truly could not care less.
14. Just because she's low-maintenance doesn't mean she doesn't want you to treat her like a majestic sweatpants princess once in a while. There's this misconception that low-maintenance women don't need compliments ever because they're too chill to want to be appreciated but everyone wants to feel appreciated. Even if the compliment is just, "I know you don't need to hear it, but you're stupidly gorgeous," that will last her for, like, five days.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.