1. Vacation sex
When you've been in a relationship for a long time, you take a vacation to have wild-animal, early-relationship, crazy sex in a place you don't live in. You're fucking constantly, not worrying about having to make eye contact with your neighbors later, and basically punishing your genitals so bad you have to ice them afterward. A+, basically.
2. Hotel sex
This is decidedly different from vacation sex. You get a room overnight for a wedding or similar event, and you just don't care what gets on the covers. You go to town on each other, things are going in butts, and you're not even washing your hands after. You seriously debate leaving a note to the maid to burn the sheets instead of washing them.
3. One-night stand sex
On the surface? Awesome. You're just two strangers going nuts on each other and doing things that are unspeakable (and luckily you'll never speak to each other again). On the down side? Admit it: You're kind of sad and lonely and want to cuddle.
4. Morning sex
Morning sex has a lot going for it: You're already in bed, you're well-rested, and you're about to hop in the shower anyway. But you're not exactly at your freshest, which keeps it from being truly amazing.
5. Makeup sex
Makeup sex is like your everyday sex, except with a little bit of extra passion and effort. You can do better, but you can definitely do worse.
6. Just, like, whatever sex
Your regular sex that you usually have with your partner. If this list is a litmus test of genital-to-genital contact, this would be 7, or neutral, or pure water (this also technically makes the next one on this list "milk" if I remember anything from my high school science classes).
7. Friends sex
This could really go either way. Either you have great sex with your hot friend, or you learn weird things about one of your oldest friends and you can never go back. This one is too unpredictable to rank higher. Please note that this is different from Friends sex, which is having sex with the entire cast of the sitcom Friends. That is theoretically number one except no one has accomplished that yet.
8. Shower sex
Let's be honest, this one is way better in theory than practice. Any sex where you can potentially slip and break your neck is oddly erotic too terrifying to be arousing.
9. Period sex
Honestly, not that bad. I don't think anyone prefers their coitus bloody, but if you can get over the potentially awkward cleanup, you're fine.
10. Angry sex
Aka the "hate fuck." It's great for a quick release but in the end, sexing someone you don't like is only a few tiers above masturbation. It's like a sandwich versus a steak. You can have an amazing sandwich, but it'll never be as good as even a decent steak.
11. Tired sex
You're both just lifelessly humping away, hoping you'll be able to squeak out something that barely qualifies as an orgasm. Ayn Rand once said, "The worst thing you can be is tired and horny." She didn't literally say that, but I think that was one of the themes of Atlas Shrugged. Also, The Giver. Did she write that one? I'm not even sure. Look, my point is a lot of the young adult dystopian future novels we had to read in school were about people being tired and horny AF.
12. Drunk sex
You probably think this is really great sex, but that's because you're wasted and don't realize you're navigating a minefield of whiskey dick, dry vagina, and accidental butt sex.
13. Breakup sex
Pretty OK until one of you starts crying and then it's amazing. I mean, terrible.
14. Car sex
All the fun of regular sex with one-sixth the space! The only thing it has going for it is that you're probably doing it in a public place, which can be a bit of a rush.
15. Revenge sex
This is great if you are a psychopath. When you have sex to spite someone else, the only person you're screwing...is yourself (also, the person you're boning. You're screwing them too).
16. First-time sex
Odds are this was weird and uncomfortable and lasted 30 seconds. And that's if you're lucky.
17. Beach sex
"Let's get our genitals really wet and roll around in the sand until my penis looks like a chicken cutlet and your vagina fills up with sand like a plastic bucket." Nope.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.