To The Girl Who Replaced Me

'I envy you, because you're exactly what he needs, not me.'

So, you’re the new girl. I wish you the best. No, I really do.

He won't always be the easiest person to be around. Many times, you will get in a shouting match with him. He is stubborn as sin, I swear. And he’ll spend days—not hours—not talking to you when he’s in one of his moods.

You’ll never know this of course, but one time, early in our relationship, he got mad at me because his favorite team in the NBA lost in the finals, and it just so happened that I was rooting for the opposing team. He wouldn’t speak to me for days after that, can you believe it? It was such an immature reaction that led to such a pointless fight, and I should’ve sensed then that it wasn’t a one-off, that it was a behavior I’d be seeing more of the longer we stayed together. But I stuck with him, because then, it seemed too flimsy a reason to break it off anyway.

But yes, in the course of our relationship, the same behavior kept coming up in response to different triggers: There was always some shallow reason for his anger, and it would take him days to be okay with me again.

Here’s something you should definitely know about him: He’s not big on the marriage thing. His parents’ failed marriage has caused him to question the institution of marriage itself. I knew he’d get married someday, he told me as much, but not anytime soon. At least, not when we were dating, and we dated for three years. So if you’re sure about him, just, you know, be patient. He’ll come around eventually.

You might also worry that he’ll do the same thing to you as he did to me: find someone else while you’re still together. But believe it or not, I really hope that he stops with you. He won’t feel the need to find anyone else.

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Because maybe you're exactly what he needs to get rid of all his faults and fears. I was never the person to help him deal productively with those—I was too emotional.

I couldn’t give him the space he needed to get over his issues; I was always in his face, whining and crying and pleading with him to talk to me. Maybe you’re much cooler than I am in such situations, and for that, I envy you, because you’re exactly what he needs. And who knows? Sooner or later, when you keep being you, you might even make him realize that marriage isn’t such an awful thing after all.

I wish you the best, I really do. It’s up to you to take care of him now, to love him even when it seems he doesn’t deserve to be loved, to love him even when he is difficult, even when he is brooding, even when all you want to do is break up with him then and there and never look back.

You and I both know that there is still something special about this guy, that’s why we both fell for him.

That’s something we have in common, and because of that, I’d like to think that we understand each other—although there’s no chance we’ll ever actually be friends. But still, I wish you success where I have failed, I wish you joy where I felt despair. Everyone deserves to find real love, even people who have hurt other people. I hope he finds in you the real love he never found in me.

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