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Vagina Beer Is Real. Like, Beer Made From Vagina Bacteria.

And the bacteria comes from a model's vagina, because of course it does.

Great news! You might soon be able to purchase and drink beer that's brewed with (totally clean, totally safe) bacteria swabbed from a woman's vagina, because why bro out and drink normal beer when you could man up and drink beer that makes you stop and think, after each refreshing sip, about vaginal bacteria? 

In order to be as douchey as possible, the company behind the vagina beer refers to itself as the Order of Yoni ("yoni" is Sanskrit for "vagina or womb"). And so as not to taint the mouths of noble beer-drinking men with vaginal bacteria from a regular old frumpy woman who probably farts or whatever, the Order of Yoni is strictly using vaginal bacteria from a super-hot Czech model, who apparently "possesses all of the instincts which [they] wanted to frame" in their vagina beer. From the detailed descriptions on the Order of Yoni's website, and from watching the promo video about six times, it's still unclear what exactly they mean by "instincts." 


But at least you'll know when, exactly, someone stuck a swab up this woman's vagina to grab some bacteria to be used in beer brewing, because each bottle will be dated with the date she was swabbed for that particular batch.

If you're like me, sitting there, staring at your screen wondering, Why? WHY? I'll try to explain using the Order of Yoni's words. Let's first set the scene:

Imagine the woman of your dreams, your object of desire. Her charm, her sensuality, her passion… Try her taste, feel her smell, hear her voice… Imagine her massaging you passionately and whispering into your ear everything you want...

OK sweet. You imagining that? Let's move forward:

Now free your fantasies and imagine that with a magic wand you can close it in one bottle of beer. 

Wow! Super stuff. Why interact with a girl IRL when you could just drink beer that contains microscopic particles that were once inside of a woman you'll never meet? Truly a spectacular idea that does not at all make me want to throw my computer across the room. 

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If you're just itching to buy this product immediately, sorry! The Order of Yoni is currently seeking 150,000 euros of funding on Indiegogo in order to create and distribute their product. It costs money to swab all that bacteria, and then cleanse and harvest it in a lab before sending it off to a brewery. Also, someone's gotta pay that model for her time (and secretions). If you've got deep pockets for the vagina beer industry and are dying to see this product on the shelves, you could consider donating 10,000 euros (or $11,320.90) and claim the top fundraising reward—home-brewed beer, made with YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S vaginal bacteria! But there is a small catch. If you claim this perk, you may have to swing by a gynecologist in Poland or Germany, you know, for the bacteria harvesting.

PHOTO: Indiegogo

So far, in the six days their campaign has been up on Indiegogo, the Order of Yoni has raised 11 euros from two anonymous donors. The lack of enthusiasm toward funding this product could be caused by any number of things. Maybe people just don't really care to drink vagina beer? Maybe people are sure this is a total hoax or PR stunt (which, TBH, would not be surprising). Or maybe people have been brewing vagina beer at home with their home brewing kits and don't need to buy it from a distributor. Whatever the reason, things aren't looking great for the Order of Yoni. What a shame.

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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.