I don't even like putting lotion on my hands in the winter, to the point where my hands wind up dry and cracked. I pick at my nails. I probably use all the wrong shower gels and shampoos. I honestly don't understand baths on a deep level. I shower daily, and I maintain myself, don't get me wrong; I'm not some bog monster who lives in a swamp and sleeps in an old, rotting log full of bugs. I just don't understand the appeal of all these intensive, convoluted treatments to keep your skin as soft as a baby's. I've been a baby. It wasn't that great.
So I was not looking forward to trying out a bunch of at-home, DIY spa treatments. First off, Pinterest DIY and I don't mix. Second, I could see nothing appealing about rubbing a bunch of gunk all over my hair and face. I already have hair and it's OK. I don't need to do anything weird to it. Still, if I refused to do this my editor would lock me in a closet for a day and deprive me of food and water I'm contractually obligated. So here we go. I'm about to put a bunch of dumb stuff on my body and I'm going to hate it.
1. Lime and Epsom Salt Foot Bath
The Treatment: It's a bunch of melted coconut oil and epsom salt mixed together with lime essence and zest, and winds up looking like Nickelodeon slime pureed with a margarita.
What Happened: I'll admit that this one wasn't that bad. Frankly, the preparation was minimal and it actually felt pretty good on my feet. The worst part was I had to broil coconut oil, and this was pretty much seconds after I learned coconut oil is the consistency of Vaseline and not an actual oil. That's one step too many.
For a brief moment, I was like, I get this.
But then I remembered I wear shoes all the time anyway and it's not like I ever have a reason to touch my feet so this was worthless. Plus, my feet were exactly the same rough texture again the next day. This is not worth wedging your feet into a bucket and then realizing you're going to get slime all over the floor when you walk to the bathroom to clean up (yes, I realize I should've just done this in the bathroom already but it was conducive to shooting, OK?).
2. Cinnamon Lip Plumper
The Treatment: You take some Vaseline, and then cover your lips in cinnamon. You then sit there for a few minutes, letting the cinnamon irritate your skin until your lips swell up.
What Happened: Listen to me: Fuck this. This is the dumbest thing you could possibly do for fuller lips. I'm not aware of other things you can do for plumper lips other than collagen injections, but this shit is on the same level.
This is like covering your ass in honey and sitting on a beehive. Yeah, you might get a bigger booty, but you're also going to have a very angry beekeeper on your hands. I guess, also the fact that bee venom is coursing through your ass is a problem too.
3. Banana Hair Mask
The Treatment: This is honestly just mashing up a bunch of avocado and banana and rubbing it around on your head.
What Happened: These instructions are just getting lazy now, like people are arbitrarily naming things they see in their kitchen. There's no way this does anything, and even if it does, there's no way the effects warrant picking banana out of your hair the rest of the day. For the record, my hair felt softer after the fact, but that might just be because, comparatively speaking, it was covered in crusty banana paste moments ago. This also involves 20 minutes of sitting around, feeling tiny bits of avocado and banana fall free from your hair and tumble down your back and get lodged in your underwear.
4. Face Mask
The Treatment: This one is a little more involved than the hair mask, but it's still mostly avocado- and banana-based and I am still mostly skeptical.
What Happened: This was the hair mask but on my face, essentially. It did have the added benefit of arbitrarily sticking to spots of my face even after I washed it off and looking like old snot. I honestly don't think it did anything, even after waiting the required 20 minutes.
It's also clumpy. I pictured something more viscous. Maybe lotion-like. This, combined with the hair mask, felt more like I got sneezed on by a brontosaurus Jurassic Park-style.
5. Cellulite Ice Cubes
The Treatment: You basically waste a bunch of coffee grounds and some other stuff, and throw it all in an ice cube tray until it's frozen.
What Happened: The thing about these is it felt like I was rubbing myself with sandpaper while simultaneously making it look like I got poop on my skin. If I were super into abrasion and looking gross, this would probably be my favorite thing in the world.
As it stands, I'm not into either so this fucking sucks and is a terrible misappropriation of an ice tray. If you own a single ice tray, you've just denied yourself ice for at least another few hours, and all in the name of rubbing these pointless cubes on yourself. It didn't do anything, but to be fair, you're supposed to do this for a few weeks. There is no way in hell I'm ever doing this again.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.