If you’ve seen Netflix’s new teen romcom To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, chances are you’re a little—or a lot—in love with Peter Kavinsky. The male love interest played by Noah Centineo is young, hot, funny, charming, caring, sensitive, and has no qualms about kissing you in public, whether in school grounds or for the ‘gram—who wouldn’t want that for a boyfriend, even a fake one?!
For some smitten women, however, their crush on Peter Kavinsky has gone from healthy adoration to full-blown, nightly-solo-viewings-while-crying-in-the-darkness-of-the-bedroom obsession. We totally get it, that’s why we’ve rounded up steps to help you simmer your passion for that fantasy man down to a manageable level so you can hopefully function in the real world again.
We’re in this together, girls. *group hug*
Remind yourself that Peter Kavinsky is a fictional character.Honestly, that right there should stop you from obsessing, but we know it won’t, so read on.
Remind yourself that even if he were a real person, he’d be living in the U.S., and we all know how your last long-distance relationship went down.
Think of the logistics here. If you dated him, you’d have to go LDR because he’s so far away. While you should ideally make plans to live in the same city for the relationship to last, he won’t be able to pack up and leave just like that because he still has to finish high school and then go to college on a lacrosse scholarship—and besides, he has his mom and younger brother to consider. Your last LDR boyfriend was your age and had all the freedom, money, and resources to move to be with you, that asshole—but he didn’t. What makes you think Peter Kavinsky will?
Remind yourself that even if he were a real person, out of the millions (billions?) of people in love with him, you’d have a chance of, oh, about one in millions (billions?).
Peter Kavinsky could walk down the street and have every man, woman, child, and dog throwing themselves at him—he is that much of a god among men. He’d have to pick you out from a crowd swarming around him every minute, and even if you waved a carton of Yakult in the air to make him notice you, someone else would roll up beside him driving a truckload of the stuff, and your tiny carton would collapse into itself in shame. Your chances are not looking too good.
Remind yourself that you’re actually 29 and should be lusting after men your own age, not boys the same age as your nephew Carlo who’s in senior high.
Do this exercise: Imagine gangly, pimply Carlo, the one who’s always staring glaze-eyed and open-mouthed into his computer playing DoTA or whatever and barely looks up to say hi to you whenever you visit your sister’s house. PETER KAVINSKY IS THAT AGE. You could end up in jail for hitting on a minor, you crazy cradle-snatcher.
And anyway, what would you and Peter Kavinsky talk about? Be honest: Nothing. Remember that.
You haven’t been in high school in 12 years. You don’t even know what they teach there anymore, therefore you can’t offer to tutor him in your supposed infinite wisdom as the older woman. Even if you tried to make small talk, you wouldn’t be able to talk about your favorite books or bands or movies with him because HE DOESN’T EVEN KNOW SIXTEEN CANDLES! What’s next, he doesn’t know Clueless? (He doesn’t. Duh.) So okay, say he agrees to watch Clueless with you. HIS MOM might sit in and say all the lines (“As if!” “Whatever!”) along with you, and you’d just end up running out of his house in horror.
If you’re coupled up, give your SO credit for just existing.
Oh, so you have a boyfriend after all—you just completely forgot he even existed because you’ve been so lost in Peter Kavinsky’s sexy hot tub stare! Ha ha ha ha ha! Well, at least you have a real, live, non-contractually-obligated boyfriend—good on you! Sure, you wish he wouldn’t drink so damn much when he’s driving or that he’d change his lock screen photo to one of you instead of one of LeBron, but at least he’s a living, breathing human being. That’s promising.
If you’re single, give the guy who ghosted you credit for still viewing your Instagram Stories.
At least you’ve got the receipts to prove that this man you once dated is alive and has access to the Internet but is just no longer interested in replying to you—which is way more than you can say about Peter Kavinsky. (Although if you and Peter Kavinsky ever dated and he began to feel differently along the way, he would NEVER just ghost you.)
Basically just look at the men around you, familiarize yourself with their faults traits and physical deformities characteristics, and slowly get used to the fact that real men don’t walk, talk, act, and look like Peter Kavinsky.
You’ve been spending way too much time looking at dreamy Peter Kavinsky GIFs. Get off the Internet and back to the real world, where men less than six feet tall brag about having had sex with you even if they didn’t, or deny having feelings for you even if they do.
If all else fails, remind yourself that you’re not Lara Jean Covey.
Granted, you share some things in common, like you’re of Asian descent, your hair is black, and you’re kind of short. But are you really a 16-year-old Korean-American who’s sweet and romantic yet scared and vulnerable and also a sexy little Rubik’s Cube Peter Kavinsky could spend forever trying to figure out (“There’s no one like you, Covey!” DYING!!!)? You’re sure you’re not the crabby late twentysomething who’s just fed up with her career choices and questionable Tinder matches and is not a virgin by any definition? Come on, girl. Don’t make me laugh.
None of the above work? Welcome to the club, yay!
If you’re still here and you’re still obsessed with Peter Kavinsky, congrats—you’re doing it right! There’s actually nothing wrong with obsessing over Peter Kavinsky, because he really should be the standard by which we must judge all men from here on out. It won’t be easy; you’ll become so picky with men that it’ll take five years before you even find a worthy match, but by then Peter Kavinsky would be in his 20s and no longer a minor and would probably be open to the prospect of an intercontinental LDR soooo…
Right. Peter Kavinsky is a fictional character. Got it.