As the wise nerd Randy from Scream warns early in the film, "There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance, number one: You can never have sex. Sex equals death, OK?" And man, oh man, is that nerd Randy right. In horror film after horror film, death is almost always a given after you purchase your one-way ticket to bone town. And there’s literally nowhere you’re safe! Whether you’re in the comfort of your own bed or 100 feet deep in the ocean, there is nowhere death can’t find those dirty, dirty sex sinners.
To help you learn from the mistakes of horny slasher victims past, I’ve made a list of the most common places characters have gotten murdered whilst just trying to enjoy a wholesome roll in the hay. Interestingly, the list basically reads like the list of places Ludacris likes to fuck in "What’s Your Fantasy," which is not a horror film but rather a really good song about sexual wish fulfillment. Fascinating! With that said, good luck staying alive out there, pervs!
1. In the car.
You guys, just don’t have sex in a car in a horror film because you will die. Some choice examples: In 1965’s Attack of the Eye Creatures, horny military officers forget to look for aliens because they’re perving on horny teens in cars and then they all die via horniness/aliens, and in 1999’s Idle Hands, Tiffany thinks she’s just getting frisky with her man in his Toyota but then that pesky idle hand shows up and everyone’s toast. Of course, I have to mention Christine, which is about a murderous car in love with a human boy, and all the fucked up things that happen because of that unnatural pairing. I could go on and on about car death in horror films, but there isn’t enough space on the internet—just trust me! Don’t do it! It’s just not safe! (Not that it’s safe to bone anywhere if you’re in a horror film, but the automobile is particularly dicey territory.)
2. In an airplane bathroom.
In the 2006 masterwork Snakes on a Plane, two high, horny teens try to join the mile-high club only to find out that the bro’s trouser snake isn’t the only slimy creature in the lavatory. It’s a really gross scene, but it’s only slightly grosser than fucking in an airplane bathroom, so I can’t say those two sickos didn’t get what they deserved!
3. In the bed (right after sex).
This is a horror film classic perfected ever since Halloween’s Michael Myers disguised himself as a nerdy ghost—complete with white sheet and glasses—to maul a postcoitally blissed-out girl in bed. Honestly, just thinking about this scene is making me feel queasy, so maybe just keep your legs shut all the time forever.
4. By a lake.
In 1972’s The Last House on the Left, a woman lures the man who raped and killed her daughter (it’s rough) to the lake for a blow job before biting off his dick and leaving him there to bleed out and die. His name is Weasel and he is the worst, so you really don’t feel that bad. Still, don’t ever get a blow job by a lake, especially if you’re in a horror film.
5. In a pool.
Besides being super unpleasant (chlorinated water is not a lubricant!) as well as very hilarious-looking (Hi, Showgirls!), boning in a pool is not advised for those looking to live another day. Don’t believe me? Just watch Species to see some moonlit pool sex followed by an alien mauling. Puke.
6. In the cabin in the woods.
The fact that people still stay at cabins in the woods is a testament to how damn stupid people are. The woods are for bears and serial killers; just ask the state of Oregon. Of course, this was expertly parodied in 2012’s The Cabin in the Woods, when two teenagers try to have sex on a bed of pine needles (comfy!) only to be interrupted by a rusty chainsaw to the neck. I’m telling you, Motel 6 is just a lot safer!
7. At an orgy.
Well, duh. But also, it’s especially fucked up in the 2000 film Cherry Falls, because the orgy only happens to save the town’s virgins! You see, there’s a killer who’s specifically seeking out the hymen-ally challenged teens and then giving them the business (death), so all the virgins decide to have an orgy so they can live. And then at the orgy, they’re all killed! So screwed up. Also, an orgy murder is featured in 2011’s Chillerama, which culminates in a deadly zombie orgy, which is the grossest sentence I’ve ever typed.
8. In the bed (during sex).
In Hatchet II, a character is decapitated while having sex doggy style and, because his body is convulsing from being decapitated, the girl doesn’t notice for a second that she’s having sex with a corpse. AHHHH!!! It is very disturbing and disgusting, and I hate it! I’m never having sex in a bed again.
9. On the couch.
In The Day After Tomorrow, the two people who are supposed to be monitoring the weather at a local station decide to get busy on the couch while tornadoes savage L.A. So of course they die. In Scream 3, Sidney shares that she got her role via the casting couch and then dies, like, legit seconds later. Just don’t go near a couch in a horror film. Sit on the floor.
10. In the ocean.
Which, again, duh, why the hell are you having sex in the ocean? That shit is both not sanitary and not pleasant! In Piranha Part Two: The Spawning’s terrifying opening scene, the dude in the couple keeps having problems with all the places that the lady wants to have sex. He’s the Goldilocks of boning! Finally, he decides that the ideal place to have sex is in a shipwreck while he and his lady friend are scuba diving (makes sense!) and since the movie title has the word piranha in it, I bet you can guess what happens next. They have sex, no problemo, and then return to the surface unharmed! Yes, that’s it.
11. Basically anywhere at any time.
If watching a lot of horror films all the time has taught me anything, it’s that sex is to be avoided at all costs if you want to live. Even in films that challenge this trope—see: Cherry Falls—in the end, it is sex that is the ultimate downfall. Whether it’s astute social commentary on sexually transmitted diseases or just a fun way to terrorize sexually active teens, horror films love to punish horny devils. You’ve been warned.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.