Look, we all know Game of Thrones is essentially 70 percent porn and 30 percent beheadings. But that 70 percent ain't all horrificly disturbing un-consensual sex—some scenes are *actually* really hot. Never fear: You'll see no twincest (maybe a teeny bit of aunt/nephew sex though...) or Ramsay the absolute b*stard Bolton here.
1. Jon Snow's real butt makes its second appearance
Quickly set aside the fact that these two are related and revel in the glory of Jon Snow aka Aegon bloomin' Targaryen's perfectly sculpted bum. We hate to objectify but can't help thanking the old gods and the new for this little slice of hubba hubba.
2. Robb becomes the King in the South (aka Talisa's V)
Let us pretend, just for one moment, that when Robb Stark and Talisa Maegry epically bang on the floor they're not totally fudging up the marriage deal with the Freys. Push to the back of your mind that as erotic as it is, this will ultimately lead to the wedding that shall not be named. Just enjoy the moment for what it is: sexy as hell.
3. Melisandre covers Gendry in leeches
That Red Lady is kinky AF and when she seduced everyone's favorite blacksmith (who is such a babe I refuse to believe he is the spawn of Robert Baratheon) and then covered him in leeches it was HOT. Consider it a kind of blood magic ritual foreplay.
4. Daenerys takes charge of her steed
"Tonight I would look upon your face," has got to be one of the most arousing scripted lines of all time. Daenerys has had enough of being forcefully taken from behind by Khal Drogo, she wants to ride him like a dragon and baby, she does.
5. Tyrion and Shae basically all the time
It started off as a client/sex worker thing but then they fell in love and OMG every sex scene was wonderful.
6. Jon and Ygritte make sweet cave love
You've got all the elements of the ultimate sex scene right here: Jon F*cking Snow, true but forbidden love, rule breakin' (he swore eternal celibacy when he took the black), water, and a cave. Oh to be Ygritte.
7. Podrick suddenly becomes *very* attractive
So up until Tyrion's gifting of a number of sex workers to Podrick (unusual employment protocol but whatever, this is a fantasy universe) you don't really see him as a sexual being. AND THEN YOU FIND OUT HE'S GOT A MASSIVE PENIS. And you never quite see him in the same way again, do ya?
8. Doreah teaches Daenerys a "lesson"
When Doreah climbs on top of a newly-married Daenerys and teaches her how to "pleasure" Khal Drogo I can guarantee there wasn't a dry seat in the house.
9. Oberyn's orgy
I mean, who wouldn't want to watch Oberyn getting it on with Ellaria (that sexual tension though) and Olyvar? I think I just realized group sex with a prince is my ultimate sexual fantasy.
10. Daenerys gets naked and badass
No, this is not a sexiest moment because we're seeing the frankly etherial Emilia Clarke without any clothes on. She's just sent loads of horrific dudes to their fiery deaths and escaped unscathed. She is immune to fire, powerful, and a female force to be reckoned with. Dream woman right there.
11. The Knight of Flowers is... de-flowered
Loras Tyrell is the babe of all babes. Combine that with Renly Baratheon and an actually really sweet BJ/sex scene and you've got one very special image for the w*nk bank.
12. Daenerys summons Daario to her boudoir
She's come a long way since her virginal days, and when Daario enters she's all "take off your clothes." Yeahhh we might not see any actual rough and tumble but the suggestion is there and it is REAL.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com/uk. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.