First off, don't hate. These are things we ALL do. I do it, you do it, and our great grandkids will probably do it. (Using computers implanted in their brains by our Alien overlords.) That said, we must never stop with the insane holiday posts because they're the best. But we must acknowledge that they're also the worst and since I'm Grinch-ing out over here, here's why:
1. Your Christmas tree.
It's a fucking tree indoors with some lights on it. Seen one, seen 'em all!
2. Your hot cocoa.
Looks like a cup o' crap with some teeth floating in it.
3. You at the mall.
"Look how many people are in this mall!" "Look how empty the mall is!" No and no. I will not.
4. You and your mom.
Or you and your dad. We get it. You have parents. You did not burst into this universe in a cloud of black smoke. Congratulations.
5. That your plane is landing.
Unless I'm picking you up from the airport, and then text me that shit instead why the hell are you posting it on Facebook, ya weirdo.
6. Your pet dressed in an uncomfortable costume.
Unless it is a cat in a bespoke santa hat, then you are the best person alive.
7. How it has been or is gonna be your "year."
I am the biggest offender of this. "2015 is gonna be LAURA'S YEAR!" Guess what, no it's not and shut up, self.
8. You playing in the snow (because duh, you're spending Christmas abroad).
We get it, you're building a snowman while we're stuck in Manila heat. Whoopee!
9. "It's sooo weird being home for the holidays!"
It's not really all that weird. You know what's weird? The fact that you think it's weird to see your parents. You do it like every three months; calm the fuck down.
10. "OMG my family is craaaazy."
No they're not because if they were, you'd be locked in a basement or some shit. Your family might be weird to you but they're probably pretty freaking normal.
11. I made cookies!
So did I; look at mine first I SAID LOOK AT THEM.
12. My office holiday party was the SHIT.
No it was not because all holiday office parties are obligations that involve Spanx and controlling your drinking around your superiors.
13. I ate so much I'm going to *literally* die.
No, will not die.
14. #Blessed anything.
15. Your vacation.
You're on vacation and I am not, so therefore I hate you, and don't want to know your happiness. What do you want? Me to bury myself alive in my parents garage while you stroll hand in hand with your lover down the cobblestone paths of Florence? I'll do it! Is that what you want?? Bah humbug!
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.