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19 Things That Run Through Your Head When You Have A Pregnancy Scare

"There's no way I'm buying a pregnancy test."

1. “Crap, my period is late.” It might just be a day or two, but since you started having sex you’ve been playing the period waiting game even if you use protection. Because you can’t really know for sure until you get your period, right?

2. “There’s no way I could be pregnant. JUST. NO.” As if that’s really so impossible! You tell yourself you’re just stressed, that’s why it’s late. You did change your routine a bit. Could that be why?

3. “What would my parents think? Would I be disowned if I were pregnant?” There would definitely be an uproar in the house. You’d be thrown things like, “We raised you well! How could you end up like this?! You’re throwing your life away!” As if you’re not suffering enough.

4. “What’s going to happen to me, my career? My life as I know it will be over!” You imagine all the possible jobs you can take, the difficulty of childbirth and raising a child, and having to deal with tuition fees and all the other expenses when you’re still figuring life out.

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5. “I wish I couldn’t get pregnant in the first place.” Wait, what are you saying? You might regret this wish in the future!!!

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6. “I should’ve used protection.” Damn right. Sex without a condom? The pleasure from that moment isn’t worth all this torment and paranoia.

7. “Wait, I did use protection...after some teasing.” But a woman can get pregnant from pre-cum if she’s fertile! (Pre-cum can contain semen, especially if the guy came in the prior session and didn’t pee or take a bath before this next one.)

8. “Was I even fertile or ovulating when the sex happened?” You check your phone calendar and try to remember which Friday of the month you did it, but you can’t! Nooooooo!

9. “Should I start taking the pill so I won’t be worried about this ever again?” But pills are so expensive! Nearly a thousand bucks spent on them every month?! Well, they’re not as expensive as having a baby, but you don’t know if you’re even responsible enough to remember to take the pill at the same time every day! (It’s a legit concern, BTW.)

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10. “Darn it. Why did I have to be so horny and such a tease. Ugh. I hate myself.” YOUR FLESH IS WEAK.

11. “Uh oh, Boyfriend is worrying! I’m trying to calm him down as much as I can but he’s making me all the more worried and I can’t hide it anymore and now we’re both worrying!” It’s great that Boyfriend is still with you through this; it can even be pretty romantic that he’s not leaving you. But you’re not in the mood for romance right now. You kind of want to just...disappear or something.

12. “Okay, Google is SCARING me and Boyfriend.” Checking the early signs of pregnancy on Google hardly ever helps when you’re paranoid. Getting hungry more often? Bloating up? Having heavier breasts?! But those symptoms are also like those of PMS!

13. “There’s no way I’m buying a pregnancy test.” You wouldn’t know how to deal with the ugly truth. You want to deny it, because you still think or hope that denying it would just make it go away. Go away like the memory of a bad dream.

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14. “I promise I will be a responsible horny person for the rest of my life. Just please don’t let me get pregnant now.” You pretty much think of striking a bargain with any and every deity or god. You think of what you can offer the universe and what variation of a rain dance you can do. But you know at the back of your mind that if an egg got fertilized weeks ago, you’d be pregnant now and you can’t change it by offerings or sacrifices.

15. “It’s been a week and the period still hasn’t arrived; looks like I have no choice.” You buy a pregnancy test with Boyfriend. The truth should always come out, right?

16. “I can’t believe I bought a pregnancy test.” You tell yourself that this will be the last time, or at least the last time you’ll be expecting a negative.

17. “IT’S A NEGATIVE! O YE. I’m not pregnant!” You lucky woman!! You really promise yourself that you’ll be responsible and safe. You even tell Boyfriend that you guys always have to be careful and think with your brains no matter what from this moment on.

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18. “Wait, is it really negative? There is such a thing as a false-positive, right?” That’s the case for some tests! Ooooooh no.

19. “OMG I think I just felt something. Could it really be? Is it my period?! AND IT IS! I’m so happy! I have dysmenorrhea and it’s making me suffer but I can’t be any happier!!” Nothing like this kind of happiness and relief with this kind of cramp and pain. You’ve never been so happier to see blood, no matter how morbid that sounds.

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