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To The Girl I Was Before I Became A Single Mom

'You are going to be a mom way before you're ready for it.'
To The Girl I Was Before I Became A Single Mom

Don’t be alarmed, but your life as you know it now is about to change.

You’ve been spending your days hanging out with friends, your nights reading in bed, your weekends at the mall watching a movie—but these little enjoyments and comforts you’ve been taking for granted won’t last. And I know you don’t care much about anyone else right now, and to be honest, you don’t think anyone else cares much about you, either—except maybe your boyfriend—but all that’s going to change.

Because you are going to become a mom, way before you’re ready for it, way before you’ve even seriously entertained the idea.

And your boyfriend now, the man with whom you will conceive, he will drop out of your life for some reason, and you will be too proud to go chasing after him. And so it will just be you. And this child. And a million doubts and fears and questions in your head.

It will be a tough transition for you, a carefree, self-absorbed young woman who up until then has just been coasting through life. Many times, you will feel like you’re just going through the motions of being a mom without really knowing if you’re doing it right. But you will rise to the challenge; you will grow into your new role and get used to it simply because it happened to you.


As you struggle through each year that passes that you are a single mom, be prepared to doubt that you’re doing enough, much less earning enough, for your child. You will feel guilty about choosing to see friends you haven’t seen in years and leaving your child in the care of the yaya one weekend. You will feel ashamed for treating yourself to that dress—after months of not shopping for yourself—when you could’ve saved the money instead. You will beat yourself up for the many nights you have to work overtime because you have to. How else would you and your child survive?

But please, don’t be too hard on yourself; when the time comes, learn to give yourself credit for surviving the way you are because what you end up doing is your best, and your best is enough.

And despite all your self-doubt, life will give you this blessing: a child who adores you so much, you are everything to him. Remember when I said that you don’t care much about anyone else now, and you don’t think anyone else cares much about you, either? That will all change with this child, who will become the center of your world, and you, the center of his. Even when you’re single, you won’t ever have to feel lonely, because there will always be someone whom you love without reason or agenda, and who loves you the same way in return.

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And you will experience romantic love again, even though you’ll worry that men think you’re “damaged goods,” “may sabit,” or “complicated.” Sure, the fact that you’re a single mom will whittle your dating choices down to a few men mature enough to date someone in your situation, but that will be a good thing, not a bad thing. To be honest, as I write this to you now, I’ve yet to find a man I believe could be in me and my child’s—our child’s—future.

But when you get to the point where I am now, you will realize that you don’t need a hero to save you from being single, because you are already a hero on your own.

So before your life irreversibly changes, go ahead and spend your days hanging out with friends, your nights reading in bed, your weekends at the mall watching a movie. Soon, the moment will come when you will have to give up these little comforts, and I guarantee that it will feel like a punishment and that you will ask yourself why it had to happen to you, of all people.


But trust that the answers will reveal themselves, no matter how slowly. Someday, you will realize that this is exactly the journey you needed to take, and that you are a stronger, braver, and better person for it.­­­

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