1. Adjust themselves.
Sometimes you need to pop downstairs and make sure everything in the basement is still OK, you know? All right, that wasn't a great metaphor, so let me try again. Sometimes you need to go to the BASEMENT and touch your BALLS. Perfect.
2. Check you out.
I think the general rule that I just made up is that it's cute for a guy to check you out after he's slept with you, but he might feel weird if you notice before you've slept together. So he might try to stare at your ass without you noticing. Except most guys don't realize that you totally do notice and they're incredibly obvious.
3. Check themselves out.
As far as we're concerned, this is the only reason for the selfie camera on phones. It's so we can really quickly and subtly make sure we don't have barbecue sauce smeared all over our faces while we're on a date or something. Because when we're not on dates, we have barbecue sauce smeared all over our faces constantly.
4. Look at the notifications on their phone to make sure they're OK for public consumption.
I'm not saying that all men are having an affair behind your back and are checking for that. But every guy does have that friend that sends really weird links and sometimes it's better to save those for later. Because "my friend thinks this is funny" isn't enough of a reason to explain why we suddenly have a picture of Mario and Sonic the Hedgehog fucking on our phones during brunch.
5. Take a sip of their coffee (in case it's too hot).
You know when you think your coffee is cool enough, and you take a sip, and you make a weird face and pull the cup away like you had no idea coffee could even be that hot? Yeah, no one wants someone else witnessing that.
6. Make sure there's nothing in their nose.
No, not nose picking. No adult does that. It's just ... you know, grazing the sides of your nose to make sure everything is all right and stuff.
7. Hide their boner.
All right, to be fair, unless you're hanging out with a middle schooler, "surprise boners" don't happen very often. But on the rare occasions they do, we're going to try and tuck it away when we think we have the opportunity to be stealthy.
8. Pretend to check something out so we can fart a safe enough distance away from you.
If you ever wondered why a dude is hanging out in the travel section of a bookstore, this is why. No one goes to the travel section of a bookstore for any other reason.
9. Put the moves on you.
Yeah, I know no one has used that term since the '50s, but I needed a catch-all that isn't "try and have sex with you." Basically, an arm around the shoulder or on your thigh typically happens when you're not paying attention. When I spell it out like that, it sounds creepy. But I think the reasoning behind this is that it's super awkward to initiate contact with someone who is staring at you.
10. Do a quick groom.
Some dudes are super vain, and need to fuss with their hair and make sure their eyebrows are still in the right spot. To be fair, guys generally don't wear makeup so we have to make do with what we have, which I guess means making sure our hair is covering that forehead pimple.
11. Check their DMs.
Because come on, sometimes there are weird messages/nudes in there.
12. Give their friends an update on how the date is going.
Sometimes dudes will be like, "BRO, how is that date going?" and his friend will be like, "BRO so good." Just kidding. I don't know how guys talk to each other because I don't have any friends.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.