1. I should make it incredibly obvious that I'm doing this ironically.
I'll just keep doing the Shopping Cart so everyone knows I'm not taking this seriously.
2. This just feels like we're having sex.
This grinding is an inch of fabric away from full-on penetration and we are in a crowded place. This is not appropriate at my cousin's wedding.
3. Everyone is staring at me.
I know everyone is staring at me and only me. There might be dozens of people dancing, but I am the one everyone is staring at.
4. I'm just going to resort to the two-step shuffle.
Let's take this down a notch, and just walk forward and backward in place. No one can make fun of that.
5. How long do I need to do this for?
If I walk off the dance floor after one song, my girlfriend is just going to get mad. What is the bare minimum number of songs I have to dance to without making myself look like an idiot?
6. Can we just do a group dance or something?
Maybe the Electric Slide? We could bust out The Macarena ironically. Anything that will dictate all the dance moves for me would be perfect.
7. Slow dancing is easy, this is basically just synchronized walking.
All I need to do is hold on to my girlfriend and not fall over. Easy.
8. Is there a really dark corner we can dance into?
9. I wonder if there are people who really practice in front of their mirror so they look really good at these things.
I'm definitely not one of those people.
10. I hope no one challenges me to a dance-off.
Do people still do those?
11. There's always that one asshole dude dancing around way better than everyone else.
You are ruining this for everyone else, man.
12. I'm going to start inching my way off the dance floor.
Just slowly take an extra big step backward...
13. Great, someone else pulled me back in.
How do I get out of here?
14. OK, great. I can basically jump up and down for "Shots."
These songs where everyone goes nuts are the best, because I can make an appearance on the dance floor without having to actually dance.
15. I need to be way drunker.
Not so drunk that I can't stand, but just drunk enough that I have the confidence I need to Usher all over this dance floor.
16. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK, I AM LORD OF THE DANCE.
TEQUILA, YOU HAVE GIVEN ME THE COURAGE I NEED TO BE A DANCE CHAMPION.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.