Can We Stop Treating Fingering Like It's Just A Side Quest?

I've always thought it was funny that fingering gets treated like the appetizer instead of the meal itself, especially considering it's one of the few things that can actually get me—and probably a big chunk of women—off consistently.

Fingering is usually treated as a "before" activity. The thing that happens on the way to sex, instead of something that already is sex. Somewhere along the line, penetration became the act that officially "counts," while everything else got pushed into the foreplay category—even if those experiences are already intimate, pleasurable, and deeply sexual on their own.

According to Dr. Rica Cruz, a licensed psychologist and sex therapist, that definition is Way! Too! Limited!

"Fingering is sex. It's a legitimate sexual experience that can create pleasure, intimacy, arousal, and orgasm. We need to broaden our definition of sex outside of penile-vaginal insertion," she enthuses.

A lot of people still think of sex as a linear progression: kissing, touching, fingering, and finally, penetration—which then (hopefully) leads to an orgasm. There's this unspoken assumption that things are supposed to "move forward," and that penetration is the final destination.

"A lot of people were taught that 'real sex' only means penis-in-vagina penetration. That idea comes from traditional beliefs about virginity, reproduction, and male-centered definitions of sex," Dr. Rica notes.

“In the Philippines, virginity is still heavily tied to penetration. So people may dismiss oral sex, fingering, or other forms of intimacy as 'not real sex,' even if those experiences are already deeply sexual, both emotionally and physically.”

You can see how that belief shapes dating culture, too. A lot of people approach intimacy like there's a specific sequence they're expected to follow, and if things don't escalate toward penetration, the experience somehow feels incomplete or less than—even if both people were already enjoying themselves (and even came in the process!).

That pressure can make sex feel v performative. Instead of paying attention to what actually feels good in the moment, people start thinking about progression. Are we "supposed" to move on to the next thing yet? Is this taking too long? Are we having sex "correctly"?

And when penetration becomes the goal people are trying to reach as quickly as possible, other forms of pleasure can start feeling rushed or secondary.

When penetration becomes the thing couples are trying to "get to," everything else can start feeling rushed—including the parts that many women actually enjoy most.

"It pressures couples to rush toward penetration even when the body may need more time, connection, or stimulation. Many women orgasm more consistently through clitoral stimulation, not penetration alone, so this mindset often ignores how women actually experience pleasure. It robs them of foreplay. It also gives men the mindset that they need to last longer in insertion than in foreplay," Dr. Cruz explains.

That last point is especially interesting because it says a lot about how heterosexual sex is often framed around endurance during penetration, while foreplay gets treated like a quick pit stop before the "real" performance begins.

Meanwhile, the clitoris continues to be wildly underestimated despite being, objectively speaking, a major source of pleasure for many women.

She continues, "The clitoris is a major pleasure organ, and many women need consistent external stimulation, rhythm, patience, and relaxation. Fingering is not about aggressively 'doing something.' It's about attunement and responsiveness."

Which is probably another reason fingering deserves waaay better than its current reputation. At its best, it requires paying attention, communication, patience, and responsiveness—all the things people claim they want from good sex in the first place.

And yet, a lot of mainstream conversations about sex still center penetration as the ultimate goal, even when many women are far more likely to orgasm from clitoral stimulation. The math just simply isn't mathing!

Part of the issue is that many people still think "successful" sex has to follow a very specific formula. There's pressure to build toward penetration because that's what society has framed as the most legitimate form of intimacy. But—and this is a big but!—sex doesn't become more real just because penetration happened.

A hookup where both people felt connected, safe, desired, and satisfied is still good sex, whether penetration was involved or not. And honestly, removing the pressure to constantly escalate can make intimacy feel a lot more relaxed and enjoyable in the first place.

"The bigger takeaway here is that good sex is less about following a formula and more about mutual enjoyment," Dr. Rica says. "Good sex is sex where both people feel pleasure, safety, connection, and enjoyment."

That also means people should feel comfortable expressing when they want to slow things down or focus more on touch and non-penetrative intimacy instead of treating those preferences like they're somehow less valid.

"Be direct and shame-free. You can simply say, 'I want to enjoy this longer' or 'I like it when we focus on touch first.' Good sex requires communication, not mind reading," Dr. Rica advises.

And TBH, that's a reminder a lot of us need. A lot of sexual frustration probably comes from people assuming their partner should automatically know what feels good, what pace works, or what kind of intimacy they want—without anyone actually saying it out loud.

At the end of the day, good sex isn't defined by how quickly things escalate—or whether penetration happened at all. If everyone involved feels good, connected, and satisfied, that experience already counts.

Maybe fingering doesn't actually need a comeback. Maybe people just need to stop treating it like a side quest. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Dr. Rica Cruz is a licensed psychologist, sex therapist, and is the founder of Unprude, a sexual wellness education platform. She is a Cosmopolitan Philippines Women of Influence 2026 awardee.