How To Have Healthy Arguments With Your S.O., According To A Relationship Expert

Lately, the Internet's latest celeb relationship drama has probably had your full attention. And you're definitely not the only one. There's something about seeing a couple's private blow-up spill into public view—raised voices, tense exchanges—that makes all of us pause and think about what a normal fight should look like and if it should ever reach that point.

Because let's face it: Conflicts do happen, and they're normal! Even the most in-love couple you know has their moments. Maybe it starts as a tiny friction point—your tone came out sharper than you meant, their casual comment rubbed you the wrong way. It can even start as one of those deceptively mundane arguments ("Where do you want to eat today?") that somehow turns into a full-blown tampuhan with no pansinan.

But here's the truth: Arguments don't make your relationship weak. How you handle them does.

To help us decode the difference between productive disagreements and the kind of conflict that chips away at your connection, Cosmo spoke to relationship expert Sanaiyah Gurnamal. Read on to learn more:

In a world where we're terrified of being the "problematic couple," it's easy to assume that fighting means the relationship is a failure. But Sanaiyah says a healthy argument is less about agreeing and more about understanding.

"A healthy argument isn't about winning—it's about understanding," she explains. When both people feel heard, respected, and safe to express themselves, that's when conflict becomes productive instead of destructive.

And yes, conflict is absolutely necessary. Remember, you're two different people with different wiring and life experiences—you're not supposed to necessarily agree on everything. What matters is how you handle the inevitable friction points, because that's what determines whether a disagreement brings you closer or plants the seeds of resentment.

A lot of fights don't start with the issue itself—they start with how the issue is delivered. Accusations trigger defenses; vulnerability opens dialogue. Sanaiyah's advice? Use "I feel" instead of "You did."

You can try something along the lines of: "I felt hurt when that happened," not "You never listen to me." The first one invites connection and vulnerability, while the latter sounds combative.

And don't forget the "why." Let your partner know you're bringing it up because you care about the relationship. "Vulnerability softens the edges of conflict," Sanaiyah says. Placing blame only makes people shut down or fight back.

You know that moment when you can literally feel your body overheating with frustration? Yeah, that's your nervous system going haywire, and no good conversation comes out of emotions running high. Once emotions take over, logic just leaves the chat.

Here's what Sanaiyah suggests instead:

• Breathing slowly. Inhale for four seconds, exhale for six.

• Drinking water. It's simple, but it gives you a break.

• Taking a walk. Physical distance allows you to think things through and let your emotions settle.

Remember: Regulating yourself in the moment isn't you avoiding the problem or the hard conversation; it's healthy.

Healthy conflict thrives on habits, not instinct. According to Sanaiyah, it's about speaking to be understood, not to win, and listening without interrupting, even when you feel strongly otherwise. Staying curious about your partner's perspective and validating their experience—even if you see things differently—can completely shift the energy of a disagreement.

As Sanaiyah reminds us:

Sometimes the best thing you can do for an argument is step back from it.

"If voices are rising, or someone's crying or shutting down, it's time to pause," Sanaiyah says. And there's a right way to do it. Try this recommendation from her: "I want to keep talking about this, but I'm overwhelmed right now. Can we take a break and come back when we're both calmer?"

It signals commitment—not retreat—and reassures your partner that this conversation (and the relationship) still matters.

When the dust settles, that's when the real relationship work begins.

Sanaiyah suggests taking ownership of your part in the conflict and asking each other, "What did we learn from this?" She also emphasizes sharing what you need going forward to feel safer, and reconnecting—physically, emotionally, or both. "Fighting doesn't ruin relationships—disconnection does. So circle back. Even just saying, 'We're okay, right?' can go a long way," she notes.

Sanaiyah Gurnamal—Celebrity Love Coach and Love Alchemist—shares more no-BS love advice on Instagram and YouTube, and at sanaiyahgurnamal.com.