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The Kind Of Selosa You Are, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Are you the Paranoid Selosa, the Pushover Selosa, or the Mother of All Selosas?
PHOTO: istockphoto

Aries: The Drama Queen Selosa

For all your confidence and self-assuredness, you’ve actually got insecurities deep inside, which makes you prone to bouts of jealousy. But you won’t just sit back and stew in it, oh hell no. You’ll blow up in the kind of box office-breaking theatrics that would make Maricel Soriano proud, not to mention bare your dripping fangs at the other woman who would dare butt in between you and your man.

Taurus: The Silent Selosa

You’re a responsible, loyal partner who values harmony in your relationships, and you expect no less from your man. And if he doesn’t meet you eye to eye? In the great Beyoncé’s words, “Boy, bye.” But erupting in a volcano of emotions isn’t your style; instead, you’ll simmer silently, play sleuth on your suspicions, and once they’re confirmed, you’ll just peace out quietly and never look back.

Gemini: The Paranoid Selosa

Admit it: You’ve thought of cheating, OMG! No wonder you’re paranoid that your partner’s doing the same, which makes you crave their reassurance that they’re not, when it’s actually YOU who’s got the wandering eye. You’re not prone to jealous fits, but when they happen, it’s usually because you’re projecting your secret landi tendencies onto your partner. Get it together, Gemini.

Cancer: The Sulking Selosa

When you’re in love, you’re in luuuuurve—which can make you dense AF when your S.O.’s being shady behind your back. Once alarm bells start to ring, you might not admit your jealousy outright; instead, you’ll keep it bottled up inside, nurse it like a litter of cute little kitties, and once those little kitties turn into sharp-fanged, razor-clawed tigers of resentment, you’ll let it rip the relationship apart for good!

Leo: The Attention-Starved Selosa

Leo always wants to be adored—especially in relationships. If you’re not showered with cuddles, compliments, and couple photos—or worse, if you suspect your man is showering someone else with those—he better watch out or you will go off on a FAMAS award-winning rage rivaled only by the Aries’s. And maybe demand he delete that bitch off his Facebook—and his life—for good.

Virgo: The Suspicious Selosa

Underneath that calm exterior, Virgos can get CRAZY JELLY. You may not go off on hair-pulling meltdowns, but you let that poison build up in you over time, aided along by a mental record of every instance your man has stared at a hot stranger or flirted with a female friend. And once your suspicions are confirmed, he can say goodbye to the trust, because like the old Taylor who can’t come to the phone right now, it’s dead.

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Libra: The Selosa Who Will Never Admit It

Despite your insecurities, your utter need to be liked and to avoid conflict keeps you from biting your partner’s head off in confrontation. You would rather resort to self-soothing to get over feelings of jealousy, not to mention throw in passive-aggressive jabs about the other woman just to get a punch in there somewhere. But to actually admit that you’re jealous? HA HA HA NO WAY.

Scorpio: The Mother of All Selosas

Any man you date should watch out, because he’s in for the Scorpio’s jealous sting. While you’re an incredibly devoted partner; you can get possessive and jealous of anyone you perceive as even a remote threat. It won’t show up as outbursts, but jealousy will rear its ugly head through nosiness, spying, and incessant kulit about where he is and is he really out with Marco tonight like he said? ANSWER ME!!!

Sagittarius: The Unforgiving Selosa

You’re an ultra-chill, freedom-loving chick who rarely gets consumed by jealousy, but once you’ve been deceived, you are outta there faster than your two-timing lover can wail, “Teka lang babe, let me explain!” You can’t stand feeling like you’ve been made a fool of, and this preservation of your dignity is what keeps you from forgiving and forgetting.

Capricorn: The Secret Selosa

It’s hard to tell with you, because you keep your emotions screwed in so tightly. On the surface, you seem perfectly fine, but inside you could be bubbling over with hot liquid rage. And once you find out that your jealousy is called for, it’s pretty much the death knell for your bond. You’re serious and steadfast in your relationships, and for someone to come in and disrespect that? *flips hair*

Aquarius: The Level-Headed Selosa

You’re a cool, independent, and open-minded chica who gives your S.O. freedom because you expect him to give you the same. The only time you’d feel threatened is when he fails to make you feel like the special snowflake that you are, and instead sees that special snowflake-ness in someone else. Once you feel this rejection, you’ll simply make like Casper and ghost the fuck out of there. Sorry not sorry.

Pisces: The Pushover Selosa

Pisces is the sign that’s least prone to jealousy—you’re just so damn compassionate, your regard for your partner’s feelings trumps over any urge to throw a bitch fit. While your blinding loyalty and need for it to be reciprocated sets you up to feel jealous sometimes, you keep it in check for your guy’s sake. And when you do fall prey to the green-eyed monster, you’re more sad than mad. Because how could anyone dare hurt such a tender, loving heart as yours? *insert crying emoji*

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