The year is 2016, phones have been around for seemingly forever, everyone's texting plans are unlimited, and yet: Men are still somehow failing to be good at texting. Finding a guy who is a Good Texter feels like hitting the jackpot, where the jackpot is just hanging out with someone who values the sacred art of communication enough to spend a few seconds each hour typing some dumb shit on his phone. What a time to be alive.
1. I CAN SEE YOU adding to your snap story instead of replying to my text from three hours ago, you bully.
Hard to tell if you're trying to be rude or if you're really just that dense. Just reply. Reply.
2. I lose all of my cool when I see the typing dots appear and then disappear, and then don't get a text from you for hours.
I low-key assume something tragic happened while you were typing and maybe you just died. This is so alarming, just finish the text.
3. Saying "I'm just not good at texting" is not a free pass to ignore me whenever you want.
This isn't an excuse at all; texting is literally the least effort you can put into communicating with a person.
4. I don't think it's weird when you double text.
Maybe this was a little overzealous back when texting plans that weren't unlimited, but it's pretty much a free for all now. Just say things when you have things to say.
5. But if you just keep sending the same message over and over, and I'm not replying, take the hint and leave me alone.
You can't just keep sending, "hey :)" or, "sup?" once every three days in hopes that this will finally be the time I respond.
6. You don't get to call me just because I haven't replied in a little bit unless it's a serious emergency or something.
Getting a phone call from someone who isn't your mom in 2016 sounds a million alarms, and I'm going to assume you're either in the same restaurant as Justin Bieber (in which case, please FaceTime me) or you're in the hospital.
7. I love when you send cute little "good morning" and "good night" texts.
Basically anything that shows you're thinking of me after you wake up or before you go to sleep makes me swoon.
8. It's super obvious when you turn your read receipts on just to passive aggressively ignore me.
Just alerting me that you read my text doesn't mean you don't have to reply.
9. I know what you're doing when you text me, "hey, what's up," anytime after midnight.
I know you're not getting in touch to see if I enjoyed the new Beyoncé album at this hour or to invite me over for a friendly chat.
10. If you turn around and say something disgusting and rude to me after I turn you down, I'm posting it online.
11. No. Unsolicited. Dick. Pics.
None. Never. Never do this. Don't do it. Never!!
12. Please god, do not Facebook message me if you have my phone number.
Facebook messaging is the worst thing you can do to a person. Please don't do this to me when you could just text. Please.
13. If you're too busy to text, just tell me so I don't freak out and think you hate me.
It makes me want to punch a wall when you take two hours to reply to every single text. If this is happening because you're busy with something, please put me out of my misery and tell me.
14. I know we talk about everything via text, but that doesn't mean you get to break up with me or ask me out via text.
There are some conversations that just had to be had IRL. There are very few left, but breakups and marriage proposals are among them.