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It’s Totally Fine To Be Picky With The Guys You Date

We all have standards.
PHOTO: Pixabay

You may have been told what kind of guy you should date, how he should treat you, and what he should do to make you feel special. Some people say you should date a guy who showers you with gifts or texts you sweet messages to wake up to and go to sleep with. You know, just because

Some say he should take you to fancy dinners and pay for them, take you everywhere and anywhere in the world so you can have the time of your life—so you know how much he loves you.

And if a guy can't do any of those? Well, according to those people, it sucks to be him, that he should work his ass off for high-maintenance you. Never mind that life is too damn difficult for every single person to go up the socio-economic ladder, that not everybody is romantic, that people show love in different ways and make sacrifices we might not be aware of because we demand endlessly.

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Never mind, too, the constricting idea of the guy as the provider—that we ladies need to cook for him and clean up after him when we marry. On the flipside, it sucks to be us too, because "we’re not worthy of him" if we’re not good in the kitchen.

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This isn’t to say you can’t look for someone who is generous and who spoils you to bits. This isn’t telling you that *this certain type of guy* is the right one for you and that you should date him—because I don’t know you and what you’ve gone through. I can’t possibly know what exactly you’re looking for or need (Do you even know that, for sure?). More importantly, people are complex; we can’t just take them at face value.

It’s perfectly normal, if not necessary, to have standards—at least to have a general list of your deal breakers.

In a way they make dating somehow simpler. They let us weed out the ones we want from the ones we don’t want, and they make us evaluate and rank what matters to us. Do you keep seeing this guy who gets along with you so well—who just gets you—is wonderful to your family, but smokes or drinks too much? Do you stay with a guy who helps you build your career but isn’t very romantic? Do you stay with a romantic guy who isn’t as wealthy as you and who happens to say sexist BS every now and then? Would you date a guy whose only motivation for succeeding is you, which is to say he has no motivation—ambition!—of his own? Would you compromise?

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You have your answer and I have mine. Beautiful, isn’t it? Our choices, even of the people we date, are informed (but not justified) by who we are and where we are in our lives.

So don’t heed advice about having to date a rich man who spoils you, if you don’t want that kind of partner or lifestyle. But if that kind of partner is what you’re looking for and you seek it out, don’t let anyone give you hell for it.

Let’s get this out of the way: Not all relationships are right (hello to home-wreckers and cheaters). But we go out with people for a bunch of reasons. You can marry someone for his visa. You can settle for someone because he’s financially stable and "nice naman." You can even settle for companionship when romance is too hard to come by. Or keep dating one jerk after another. Yes, there are women who only want rich guys. Sometimes it’s easy to guess why. Regardless, that should be respected at the very least.

I know of people who will only date writers or artists, older people, people in the same economic status or city, and so on. It doesn’t make sense that someone looking for a more stable life—or to sustain her already stable life—and marries someone who can give her that gets tagged a gold-digging hoe, when another person who looks for parental figures is cheered on for her charm; or the person who wants to date only medical professionals is considered smart to think of having a partner who will know how to care of her when she’s senile. Are they all calculating? Maybe so. But let’s not wash our hands and say that we don’t look for partners who can benefit or help us in some way, who can satisfy something that’s been missing in our lives.

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Our dating standards don't make anyone a cruel person. We all “use” people for our own purposes—for love, for friendship, for work, what-have-you.

People are cruel if they belittle other people and treat them like crap. People are cruel to their partners if they abuse the trust given to them. So that "gold-digging hoe" might actually be a nurturing, caring, and sincere woman who makes her partner happy—not someone who is poisoned by greed and deceives her partner to get his money. That "simple girl" who says she can date anybody might be dreaming about all the other guys she can be with while already seeing someone. Sure, one can argue that if a man weren’t rich, the "gold-digging hoe" wouldn’t have dated him. Well, if your partner weren’t good-looking, well-mannered, or funny, would you have gone out with him? Starting to date someone has a lot to do with your standards and how attractive the other person is to you. A solid or loving relationship, though, has to do with choice and sticking with someone through thick and thin.

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Having a type and a set of standards is only practical. You need to let your friends know what you’re looking for if you want them to set you up with a guy. On another note, having an idea of what you want in a partner helps you get closer to your ideal significant other by knowing what to look for in a person and where to search (or be found).

Your standards might be more flexible and forgiving (or not), but nonetheless they are yours—and are for yourself.

You can’t impose them on others, just as others can’t impose theirs on you. And honestly, because your standards are personal, what’s important is that you believe in them, stand by them, and know if they should be passed up for someone who doesn’t fit them but is pretty interesting.