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4 Things He Says That Show He Doesn't Really Respect You

'You're crazy!'
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“You’re crazy.” / “It’s all in your head.”

The context: You suspect that your guy is cheating on you—or you actually find out that he is. You muster all the strength and composure you have left to confront him about it, and he tells you that you’re making the whole thing up.

He disrespected you on a number of levels here. Truly cheating on you is one way (which is bad enough). Telling you (or insinuating) that you’re crazy is another. Sure, he’s denying the whole thing. But denying his infidelity by claiming that you just imagined it or saying you’re crazy? That’s an insult to your knowledge, mind, and feelings. It makes you doubt  your deductive skills and your senses. The whole thing puts you down as an irrational woman who can’t think straight.

To blame you for the pain you’re causing yourself shows how little he wants to make you feel better. It also shows that he doesn’t care that you’re heartbroken. If he does care, he has a poor way of expressing it. There is a way for him to deny or explain the evidence that led you to your conclusion. Also, let’s not forget that apart from the truth, being assured and comforted is what you need most in this case.

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“Choose me or [your hobby].”

The context: Each week you allot a day or two for doing your hobbies, which your partner doesn’t engage in at all with you. He gets frustrated and jealous because you can connect with other people through what you’re passionate about, and that opens you up to cheating on him (or so he thinks). He finally drops this ultimatum on you.

Regardless of whether or not you’re flirting with other people, what’s wrong here is that he wants you to part with something that means a lot to you. He has that insecurity, understandably, because he’s not in that important circle in your life as much as the other guys are. But instead of working on a compromise with you and seeking more comfort from you, he lets you choose between someone and something you love. It’s not right of him, but what a poor guy; he’s probably driven by desperation to even come up with that ultimatum. 

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“It’s not you—it’s me.”

The context: He says this line when breaking up with you. He patronizes you and belittles himself: that you’re too good for him, that he’s a nobody, and so on.

This infamous breakup line makes anyone who hears it think "WTF?" It doesn’t say much, and neither does it explain why the relationship must end. Everyone deserves a pretty solid explanation for the breakup. "I’m not over my ex," "I met someone else," "Our relationship has become toxic," "We fight endlessly," "I can’t deal with your vices," or "I don’t fit into your lifestyle"—those make sense and they help you move on because they make you realize how you and your ex aren’t such a good fit.

This isn’t to say that some good things can’t be said during a breakup. Of course they can. But for him to sing you praises and then not say anything more about himself other than "I’m not worthy"—that’s leaving you in the dark. You don’t know how he came to such a decision, so you can’t successfully coax him to take you back.

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“I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

The context: He does something behind your back; you find out about it and it breaks your heart. In tears, you tell him what you know. He feels bad, but not bad enough, so he utters this line.

"I’m sorry if I hurt you" is not a real apology. He already knows you’re hurt—you’re crying because of something he did! So what is that "if" doing in that line? He should be sorry that he caused you pain. Saying "if" not only trivializes your heartache, but it also makes it seem like you got hurt out of your own volition ("...if I hurt you"—but he didn’t, according to him). He won’t admit this, but saying that is his way of washing his filthy hands. His way of telling you he didn’t hurt you in real life—so what’s compelling him to make you feel better?

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The fact that his actions hurt you (whether or not you overreacted) should be enough for a genuine apology. If he can’t give you that, there’s something wrong with him and the way he views you.

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