Crafting and sex toys don't really mesh well. OK, fine, I can see getting it on with a particularly fetching carrot, if the need arises. But when you show up for love wearing a homemade pair of beef jerky edible underwear, maybe it's time to just spend the money and let a professional handle the job.
Yes, edible meat underwear is a real thing you can make. While I admire the can-do spirit behind these, they raise all kinds of highly unsexy issues including: possible presence of pubic hair caught in meat, "edible" aspect kind of iffy due to excessive chewiness, and, perhaps most importantly, the sight of your lover wearing homemade meat underwear. (Note: if you are planning on donning a pair, try to run around a bit, maybe do a couple of squats, to not only entice your lover, but soften up the meat for easy chewing.)
2. Homemade Sex Bench
If you want to make a freaky sex toy but don't know where to start, try this: downloadable design plans ($1.70) for the "Jataime," a bench sort of thing you can have sex with (or, in a pinch, use as sort of a Whack-a-Mole game, but with penises.) The primary issue here, beside, of course, that you're having sex with a bench, is storage. It doesn't fit in a bedroom drawer and no matter how artfully you toss a slipcover over it, it is not gonna work for extra seating.
The one here is blue, but they come in a rainbow of colors, including "rainbow." What are you supposed to do with Big Blue? It's unclear. The description specifically says "NOT intended for any penetrational use" so get that idea out of your head right now, young lady. No, crocheted penis seems destined to a future gathering dust on that shelf with all your other crocheted body parts. (Bonus product description fun fact: "Each testicle is crafted with care to be a slightly different size.")
4. Fox Tail Butt Plug
One would think that any existing butt plug is already fulfilling its destiny, that of plugging butts. But there are plenty of options to help plugees fully express their personal style via butt plug. Esty now offers a fox tail plug, among others. (No returns please.)
5. E.T. Plush Doll/Vibrator Combo
Clearly, not everyone agrees with the "no sex with extra terrestrials" rule, or at least not unless they're sexy aliens like E.T. This E.T. costs $900 and is"equipped with a 'bullet' style vibrator located in a hidden pocket at the tip of his finger." The subset of people who want to make sweet, sweet love to E.T. and have $900 in their sex toy budget seems infinitesimally small, but the marketers can worry about that. Buyers can worry about tricky cleaning issues and the very pressing need to hide the presence of their secret E.T. Lover.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor changes have been implemented by Cosmo.ph editors.