The sex toy market, in all its benevolence, has just delivered an extra special gem of a device with a beautiful name: the 3fap, a toy geared toward folks with penises who want three separate holes in which to insert them.
From Brian Sloan, the same dude who was behind the (in)famous vulva beauty contest of 2015, comes the latest in male sex toy technology—a sleeve of sorts with not one but three holes that are meant for a penis. The vagina hole on this toy, by the way, is still modeled after the same vaginal beauty contest winner. Say what you will about Sloan, but dude knows how to get some mileage out of an idea.
But back to the 3fap. Do you need to know what the three holes are? Can you guess? It's a mouth, a vagina, and an anus, all with different ...sensations on their interiors.
Personally I am all for there being more options on the male sex toy market—toys aren't and don't have to just exist for people with vaginas. This could potentially be great for a dude with a lot of time on his hands who wants to create masturbatory patterns the same way one might create beat patterns in front of a drum kit. THREE HOLES! Imagine the possibilities. It really opens the door for some masturbation choreography opportunities. But also, this three-hole situation raises some questions. Such as:
- Why three holes if there's only one penis?
- Do the makers of the 3fap know that the mouth isn't right next to the vagina?
- Why is the vagina "award-winning" but the mouth not?
- Don't all those knobs make this thing more complicated than just having sex with an actual person?
- When the site says "you get all three holes," um, aren't they leaving out the pee hole? There's a fourth hole; also ears have holes. This isn't encompassing of "all holes"?!
- In the endless realm of male-gendered masturbation terms, is there really not a better word for "masturbate" than "fap?"
- Has anyone ever said the word "fap" aloud and not projectile vomited within eight seconds?
- Is my grandmother going to find this post and give my mom a phone call about it?
Anywho! This toy exists now on 3fap.com! The More You Know.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.