1. "Where is the Do Not Disturb sign?"
First thing's first, right?
2. "Check and see if they have robes."
It’s important to check and see if you'll be getting complimentary robes during your stay. This is what you'll be wearing whenever you aren't naked.
3. "Let's make one bed the sex bed and the other bed the sleep bed."
If you've ever wound up with two beds in your room instead of one, this is a blessing. One bed can be the bed full of all your fluids and sweat and whatever else. That leaves the other bed perfectly clean with its white, crisp sheets ready for sleeping.
4. "Hell yeah."
This isn't meant to be a literal thought so much as it's meant to be a distillation of his mood during sex.
5. "It's nice knowing we don't have to clean any of this up."
As a result, he is prepared to leave an exponentially larger tip than usual.
6. "How many other people do you think have had sex on this desk?"
Statistically speaking, you’re probably not the first people to bang in that hotel room. You should pack a lot of things for your sexcation, but a blacklight should not be one of them. Some things are better left unknown.
7. "Let's try and time the room service delivery to our orgasm."
Truly, if you can swing it so that as soon as you’re done having sex, a bunch of food gets brought to you, that’s the pinnacle of a vacation. Then you can sit there getting crumbs in your sex bed, and then switch over to the clean bed to sleep.
8. "I'm so sore."
If there's one negative to vacation sex, it's that it's too available. And like with anything else, you can overindulge and pay the price. Don't injure yourself on the first day. Pace it out.
9. "Shouldn't we like, go sightseeing at least once?"
Make sure you still fit vacation stuff in there, at least a little bit. Otherwise, you might as well have just booked a room in that grody local highway motel every town has.
10. "This was like I took a week off to run seven marathons."
You know some people say "I need a vacation from my vacation" and you want to punch their dumb faces? Well, some people need to take a day off or two to ice their junk. That's real.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.