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YouTuber Benedict Cua Takes Social Media Break: 'I'm scared to lose myself'

'Para san pa ba ako gumigising every morning?'
Benedict Cua gets real about mental health, anxiety, social media
PHOTO: INSTAGRAM/benedict_cua
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The pressure of always needing to be online, accessible, and productive has never been more apparent than amid this pandemic. And we all know how much it can affect a person's mental health—no matter how passionate you are about your job. 

Benedict Cua, a YouTuber who's been creating content for around three years now recently posted a vlog titled "goodbye, philippines." He shared that he "decided to stop working for a while" to step back, rest, and re-evaluate his life. When he first got into content creation, he remembers feeling "passionate" and "energized," but that's turned into an urge to constantly please people, to do everything for everybody else.

"Parang wala na kong time to be vulnerable because I needed to encourage the young ones to try their best to boost their self-esteem," he said. He's had moments of anxiety, where he'd feel uneasy even while doing something as simple as watching TV. Benedict likened the feeling to when you realize that your phone was stolen: "Kinakabahan ka. Natatakot ka." Like there's a huge weight on your shoulders, on your chest.

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He continued, "Parang yung buhay ko naging vlog na, naging filming...There's no vacation anymore. Whenever [I'm] outside, whenever [I'm] hanging out with [my] family, [I] always feel obligated to film anything 'cause when [I] don't, then [I] get anxious."

Benedict Cua gets real about mental health, anxiety, social media
INSTAGRAM/benedict_cua

He found it alarming that when he goes home to Bulacan and he's surrounded by nature, he feels differently: "'Eto na yung nabibigay ng world? There's no beauty in reality anymore. That scared me 'cause before, whenever I'm connecting with nature, I feel whole. I feel alive. But now, I feel disappointed. May times na tinatanong ko sa sarili ko, 'Is there anything else to see in this world? I feel like I've seen enough.' Yung ganong feeling. Para san pa ba ako gumigising every morning?"

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"But the good thing is, I'm scared. I'm scared to lose myself...I don't want to live a life like that. I wouldn't want to be broken," he said. Benedict "decided to go on a mission, in a sense," and isn't letting himself be pressured to post, film, or create. Apart from thanking his supporters, he said that if you're feeling the same way, take action and address the problem. 

Watch Benedict Cua's "goodbye, philippines" vlog below:

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