Ever found something baffling/weird/tricky/etc. in the bedroom, but don’t have anyone to talk it over to death with? Well, that’s what we’re here for: to give in-depth responses to questions you could only ask Cosmo’s very own sex doctor.
1. My husband doesn’t have a problem with getting or keeping it up—except when we change positions. He’s okay if it’s an easy transition (like from side-to-side to doggie-style), but he loses it when it takes more adjusting. Why does that happen, and is there a way I can help out?
It’s not unusual for a guy to lose his erection temporarily while mixing things up, since his penis is essentially going from sensory overload while inside you to no sensation at all. Plus, switching positions usually means you’ve been going at it long enough for a change in scenery, so his stamina might be waning. An easy fix is to do major maneuvering early on in a sack session, when his erection is the strongest. Make sure you continue to stimulate his body as you get in position—kiss him, lick his nipples, grab his butt. Do whatever it is that gets him hot and you’ll keep him going.
2. I’m not sure if I’ve had a G-spot orgasm. I hate when my friends tell me, “If you’ve had one, you’ll know.” So what are the signs?
Your friends are wrong—it’s definitely possible you had one and didn’t realize it. Since the G-spot climax is a totally different sensation than the clitoral kind, you may not recognize it at first. Here’s what you need to know: When you stimulate your clit, the peak is more defined: It feels good then bam!—you go over the edge. But a G-spot O isn’t so obvious. It’ll slowly build up to a tingly, flushing sensation that radiates from your vagina (you may feel like you’re going to pee—you won’t), and it doesn’t always have a clear-cut finale. Stimulating your G-spot will continue to be pleasurable, although it won’t be as intense. Start to take note of how the rest of your body responds when pleasuring your G-spot. As those feel-good vibrations escalate, your muscles will be super tense (the entire pelvic region will contract), and after you peak, you will become limp, relaxed, and very, very satisfied.
3. How often is normal for a woman to masturbate? I’m in a relationship and I do it every day.
As long as your solo time isn’t getting in the way of your sex life with your guy—meaning, you prefer being intimate with him to getting yourself off—you’re totally fine. It’s common for both women and men to masturbate while they’re still in a relationship. In fact, in a survey of nearly 2,000 women about their self-pleasuring habits, the ladies who were attached also reported masturbating frequently. Since having regular sex amps up your libido (thanks to increased testosterone levels), you’re more likely to want to give yourself a hand when he’s not around.
4. I've been in a dry spell, meaning I haven’t had sex for almost a year. Is it possible that my vagina could change because of that?
Not really. You may notice that it feels slightly tighter (like when you insert a tampon). That’s because when you’re not having sex consistently, your vagina is less lubricated, which can make the tissue constrict a bit. If it’s something you’re worried about, all you need to do is give yourself a hand once in a while—masturbation will help maintain your natural wetness, so tightness isn’t likely to be an issue.
5. I wish my boyfriend talked dirtier to me during sex. What can I do to get him to try it?
Encourage him to grunt a few naughty phrases by whispering questions in his ear, like “Where do you want me to put my mouth right now?” or “If you could do anything you wanted to me, what would it be?” The key is to be very specific with whatever you ask, so that he’ll have to answer by naming X-rated body parts and actions. Then let him know how much his response turns you on. Moan a little and say something like “It gets me so hot when you tell me that.” That way, he’ll start to connect being more verbal with exciting you.
6. I’m dating a new guy who insists that he can’t have sex with a condom. Every time he puts one on, he loses his erection. Why does that happen, and how can I get him to wear one and stay hard?
For some men, condoms are boner killers because they numb the feel-good sensations they’re experiencing during foreplay, causing their libido to take a nosedive. To make sure his arousal—and everything else—stays up, keep touching other parts of his body as he puts it on. Cup his balls, lick his nipples, massage his perineum (a sensitive spot located between his testicles and butt). Since guys tend to get off on visuals, give him a good view of what you’re doing down there. At the same time, describe all the hot things that are about to happen. You can even try putting the condom on him yourself… and to guarantee he stays distracted (in a good way), do it in the 69 position. He’ll be so into the hotness of what’s going on (as well as busy impressing you with his tongue maneuvers) that suddenly, a little latex will be no big deal.
7. Things are starting to get hot and heavy between me and a new guy. What’s the secret to making the first time we have sex together less awkward and more pleasurable?
Foreplay… lots of it. If you spend plenty of time teasing each other, you’ll discover what you both like in bed, so you’ll be in sync. You can clue him in to what turns you on before the main event—whether you prefer light or rough strokes, a fast or slow pace, to be on top or have him take the lead, and so on. Pay attention to the same info about him as well. If his breathing becomes more rapid, his face becomes flushed, or his muscles tense up, then those are all signs that he’s into what you’re doing. Plus, the longer you stroke, lick, etc., each other, the more aroused you’ll both become. That way, when you finally go for it, your brain will be flooded with so much dopamine—the neurotransmitter responsible for creating sexual excitement—it’ll go into pleasure mode automatically…so you’ll do less thinking (e.g., “I wonder if he likes this?”) and more OMGing.
Click next for eight more sex questions answered!
8. How can I keep from leaking so much after sex?
First of all, it’s totally normal (and unavoidable) for his ejaculate to drip out of your vagina. In fact, the trickle effect can continue for up to 24 hours postsex. If it really bothers you, make a point to go to the bathroom immediately after you’re done. When you pee, most of his stuff will be flushed out due to gravity, so you’ll leak less. If you feel like you still need extra backup, you can also wear a panty liner to protect your underwear from any wetness. One (very important) disclaimer: Ditch the condoms only if you are in a monogamous relationship and know for sure that your guy has recently been tested and is STD-free. Otherwise, you’re putting your health at risk.
9. I want to climax at the same time as my guy, but he usually orgasms before I do. What’s the trick to finishing together?
There’s no easy button for this—you’re going to have to meet in the middle, meaning you need to speed up your arousal and he needs to slow his down. First, ask your guy to pay extra attention to your clitoris (or give yourself a hand) and stimulate it throughout foreplay and sex. That way, you always have that tingly, preorgasmic sensation, so it’ll be easier for you to get off. But it’s not all on you. Your guy should do things that will help him delay his orgasm. Try pausing midsex and spending a few minutes kissing to take his lust down a notch, or suggest a position that doesn’t put him in sensory overload (e.g., if he’s a butt guy, avoid doing it from behind). One more thing: If it doesn’t happen the first (or 10th) time you try, no big deal. With all that clitoral attention, you’ll still be priming your body for a superpowerful O.
10. My boyfriend and I are having a ton of sex… like, up to four times a day. Is it possible to do it too much?
Not really. Here’s the general rule: As long as sex isn’t getting in the way of your necessary day-to-day activities (going to work, sleeping, eating, etc.), you can never have too much. That being said, if either of you feels any physical pain, such as chafing or soreness (despite using lube), then you need to give things a rest for 12 to 24 hours, so your body has time to recover from all that action.
11. How soon after having unsafe sex can I find out if I contracted any STDs?
It depends. Certain ones, like chlamydia and gonorrhea, can be detected in a urine test about two weeks after exposure, while others, like HIV, won’t give any conclusive test results until at least three months after sex. As a general rule, you should be tested a couple of weeks after you’ve had unsafe sex and also schedule a second appointment for three months later to check for HIV. Putting it off any longer is dangerous, as some of the diseases become more difficult to treat. When you do go, be upfront and tell your doctor that you had sex without a condom, and you’d like to be tested for all sexually transmitted diseases. If you don’t specify this, she may not check for everything.
12. It hurts to have sex with my boyfriend, even if we use lube. What can I do to make it less painful?
Take your time with foreplay—spend at least 10 minutes doing whatever it is that gets you ridiculously horny. This step is crucial, since the more aroused you are, the longer your vaginal canal will become (this is a phenomenon called vaginal tenting), so it’s easier to accomodate his size. Then when you’re ready for him to enter you, ask him to go slowly. He should put in a quarter of his penis at a time, stopping for several seconds so your body can adjust. It’s also helpful to start out in doggie style with your chest on the bed, since it creates a 45-degree angle that gives him more room to fit inside you. Just make sure to be vocal about what feels good and what’s too much.
13. After I have sex with my guy, I tend to release air through my vagina, kind of like farting. Why do I do that, and how can I prevent it?
Vaginal farting is called “queefing,” and I know the sound isn’t exactly sexy, but queefing is totally normal. Whenever your guy inserts his penis, he also pushes a little bit of air into your vagina, which ends up being released postsex—that’s what causes the “fart” noise. If you’re queefing frequently (more than a couple of times), it’s probably because he’s thrusting hard and fast. The more he goes all the way in and out, the more air will get in your vagina. There’s nothing wrong with that, but if it really bothers you, ask him to slow his pace and keep most of his penis inside you as he thrusts. You may also want to avoid the missionary with your legs up. This position tends to widen your vaginal opening slightly, so it’s easier for air to be pushed in. Still, that doesn’t mean you should stop doing something that normally turns you on. Bottom line: Worrying about queefing shouldn’t get in the way of enjoying toe-curling sex.
14. Whenever my boyfriend touches my clitoris, it feels super intense—and sometimes hurts—even if he’s being gentle. Is it possible that there’s something wrong there?
Your clitoris is perfectly fine. Your guy just needs to adjust his technique. It sounds like he is trying to stimulate your clitoris with direct contact, which can be uncomfortable since it’s packed with thousands of ultrasensitive nerve endings. Instead, have him focus on touching the areas around your hot spot. He should stroke or kiss your inner labia, which will indirectly tease the clitoris, since they extend up to form part of the clitoral hood. Or he can put a fingertip on either side of your clitoris and apply light pressure while gently massaging it up and down You may also enjoy having your pubic mound stimulated with his hand. Have him keep his fingers together and rub the area in a circular motion. As your skin moves in response to his touch, your clitoris will register ripple effects. (It’s a good idea to try these tips solo as well, so you can show him exactly what feels good to you.)
15. During foreplay, my guy took my fingers and placed them between his balls and his butt. I wasn’t sure what to do. What does he want?
The spot he moved your hand to is his perineum. This area is packed with supersensitive nerves, so almost anything you do here is going to feel awesome for him, and even touching it indirectly will stimulate both his penis and his prostate (the organ that lies underneath this stretch of skin), intensifying his climax. Try massaging it with two fingers or licking it with your tongue—vary the speed, pressure, and direction of motion (circular, side to side, a figure eight) to see what gets the best response.
Meet the Sex Doc: Yvonne K. Fulbright, PhD, is a certified sex educator and relationship expert. She’s the author of several books, including Sultry Sex Talk to Seduce Any Lover: Lust-Inducing Lingo and Titillating Tactics for Maximizing Your Pleasure.