1. Tell you that you're The One and then do the slow fade. In two weeks you notice he found his next The One in a nightclub and is posting photos of them flirting on Instagram. #cool
2. Tell you to wear your hair down when it's in a ponytail. We don't tell you to stop wearing so much pomade that I can't touch your head without needing a baby wipe for my hand before I do literally anything else.
3. Give you any outfit suggestions. Ever. Never comment on a girl's appearance unless you're telling her she looks hot AF.
4. Ask for your number and then never call. Or they text you once and then disappear. If you only want to make out with me once and then go away that's fine, don't bother asking for my number because you think I need that. (I don't!)
5. Cuddle you oppressively for extended periods of time. You know how guys put their big heavy arms on you and then you can't move and then they fall asleep and their solar-like body heat penetrates you to your bones leaving you drenched with sweat? The best cuddling position is him on his back and your head on his chest.
6. Communicate via text only. Pick up the damn phone and call me.
7. Text at like 2 a.m. "U up?" Because his nighttime plans didn't work out and he's hoping that YOU will bone him now. Despite the grand gesture, I'll pass.
8. Lead you on. Just tell me up front if you're not into it so I don't waste two months and get needlessly emotional over you. The only EMOTION I have time for is Carly Rae Jepson's new album.
9. Say, "You looked really good when..." Like, there was a past date at which I looked great, and now, at this present date, I look like a feral gutter creature.
10. Invite you to watch basketball with their friends as some sort of alleged date. I'll be ignored, say almost nothing the entire time, and pass on the nachos, not because I'm worried about my weight, but because I'm not sharing finger food with five man boys who have all visited the bathroom.
11. Assume you want to hear them talk about sports. SportszzzZZZzzzz.
12. Go so far as to meet your family and friends—or introduce you to his family and friends—and then ghost. The family/friend introductions are a sign that shit is getting serious. If you get scared by that idea then tell me so I can spare my family and friends (and myself!) the bother.
13. Call you "babe" or "sweetheart" when you've known each other for 20 minutes. Gross. This is what 50-year-old men who want to date 19-year-old women do. I'm in the market for a pre-Viagra age range here, thanks.
14. Talk about only themselves. If you leave a date and you can't recite three facts about me, you failed.
15. Mansplain anything. Politics, sports, ISIS, Syria, how to fix or do anything. I have a brain and eyes I use to read the same shit you do, and I've been on my own for long enough to know how to live in the world.
16. Complain about using condoms.
17. Eat all the food when you're sharing. When we go out for tapas I don't want to feel like I'm fighting for my meal. Let me eat my dainty calamari and black rice and we can get you a pizza afterward!
18. Assume that you can drink as much as they can. I can't go to an after hours place at 3 a.m. and ironically enjoy a PBR and a shot. I'll barf on you. Is that what you want?
19. Play video games in front of you. I'd rather watch you shave your butt hair.
20. Invite you over when they have a mattress on the floor instead of a bed. Once a guy in this position invited me over and said "don't judge." Earth to That Dude: all we're doing when we first come over is judging.
21. Ask you what you want to do tonight. What we want to do tonight is be taken out without having to figure out where we're going or what we're doing.
22. Look at their phone when you're talking to them.
23. Or have their phone out on the dinner table on a date. What, in case your friend sends you a Snapchat of his dadbod?
24. When you ask them who they're texting, they say "nobody" and try to hide their phone. I'm not a rocket scientist but that's basically a dead giveaway that it's not, like, your mom.
25. Say you look "fine" when you ask them how you look. Chances are if I'm asking it's because I went to extra effort to look a certain way. You could at least acknowledge that instead of looking at me slack-jawed, like I'm drying paint.
26. When you ask them if something's wrong and they say "nothing" and then you press and they say "don't worry about it," which means something is obviously wrong and you're not telling me and I'm not going to forget or stop asking you about it until you do tell me. So let's just skip this whole boring charade so you can tell me what it is!
27. Turn into giant babies when they're sick. There's a reason women are the ones that go through child birth.
28. Ask you on a date and then the day rolls around on which said date is supposed to happen, but he never contacts you to confirm anything. Then you have to finish planning the date by getting in touch with him when the whole point of being asked out is not having to do that shit.
29. Call women "crazy." You know when you're talking to a guy about someone he was dating and he says, "Oh, she got CrAzY." Like, no, she didnt get crazy, you did something to make her crazy!
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.