1. THE GYM RAT
You’ve seen too many of his post-workout sweaty selfies that scrolling through IG makes you feel sticky. His canned inspirational fitness quotes would work much better if you didn’t have to stare at his man-nipples. Warning: this breed multiplies during the summer season, when events like LaBoracay put the beach-ready bod in high demand.
Hashtag of choice: #beastmode, #fitspiration, #sunsoutgunsout, #work
2. THE NARCISSIST
If his Instagram homepage is overflowing with pictures of his face in all permutations possible (mirror selfie, top shot, strategically candid, etc.), there’s one person who should be held accountable. Blame his mother. For what? For telling her son he was so handsome growing up. Thanks, mom!
Hashtag of choice: #selfie, #sorrynotsorry, #wokeuplikethis, #unfiltered, #gpoy
3. THE CHEESEBALL
Unable to contain his undying love for his romantic partner, this feels-factory wears his heart on his sleeve (or rather on his social media accounts). He’s also an emoji-whore, wearing out those usually cute smileys and hearts with his professions of adoration. Bitter he is not, but with every ultra-gushy post, his single followers slowly will be.
Hashtag of choice: #forever, #theone, #loved, #thisone
4. THE HUMBLE BRAG
He’s simultaneously lucky to be able to travel to exotic destinations, afford the coolest kicks Nike has to offer, and still love his 9 to 5 as if he were born to be doing it. He has that life that seems flawless–not a single dirty detail slipping through the grid of Instagram. And, naturally, he likes to share his blessings with the world. Only, most people are busy acknowledging the reality of misery to actually give a f*ck!
Hashtag of choice: #blessed, #thankful, #positivity, #yolo, #ballin
5. THE GROSS OUT
Every time one of his buds vomits during a drinking session, he snaps a photo, filters it in black and white, posts it and calls it art. For him, capturing images of road kill, household pests, and sickening bodily growths is a form of entertainment. One time, he even took a selfie at a funeral and believed there was nothing wrong about doing that. Great thing about Instagram though is that unfollowing someone is as easy as clicking a button.
Hashtag of choice: #art, #ahrt, #worst
6. THE THIRST QUENCHER
When did using one’s personal IG account as a catalogue for FHM babes and Victoria Secret Angels become acceptable? He flaunts the breasts and asses of women he’s never even slept with–let alone met–as a symbolic reminder to the world of his lonely nights at home with only his right palm as a partner. Be careful with this one, his cyber-boner might poke you in the eye.
Hashtag of choice: #thirstythursdays, #hot, #bae, #babes
7. THE REPOSTER
Memes, stock images, and photos stolen using lazy repost apps make up his account. He doesn’t realize that the fun thing about Instagram is that it allows users to be creative and original. It’s not Tumblr, yo! If people wanted to see pictures of LOL-cats, inspirational quotes on cloudy backdrops, and album art, they’d just use Google instead.
Hashtag of choice: #repost #throwback, #ansabe
8. THE EX
When he starts dating someone new, you can count on him bragging about it through annoyingly filtered date photo ops that will only scald your virtual existence. Unless you want to see photos of your former flame having tons of ridiculous fun without you, it might be in your best interest to hide that heartbreaker from your feed right about now. Stop the stalking before an accidental double-tap occurs!
Hashtag of choice: #movingon, #thesinglelife, #singleandreadytomingle
Follow Anton on Instagram.