1. Do not put your nose in her butthole like you're digging for butt gold. I'm not saying it feels bad or it's the worst thing you could do if it happens accidentally, but not everyone wants nose-butthole action, so just ask first to make sure. (Plus, this way you can go to nose-butthole city worry-free, which is the best way to travel. I regret this sentence.)
2. Try not to get so focused on how totally rad your blow job is that you forget about her vag. Look, facing this problem is heavily predictable, (like the fact that the next Beyonce album will rule) but if you can try to focus on your partner 100 percent with the assumption they're doing the same to you, somehow it will work out pretty perfectly (like the next Beyonce album).
3. If she's going to the rhythm of a slow Drake song, don't be all up on her with the pace of an EDM song. If one of you is going super fast and the other super slowly, you'll be all out of sync and it'll be like "rub your stomach, pat your head," except with your vagina getting sandblasted while you're trying to ease in to his penis because oh I don't know, you're making a sexual memory!!! Try to sync up for both your sakes.
4. Don't spend the whole time wondering if you're going to smash his face in with your (imaginarily) heavy vulva. There's no way that sex will be good for you or your partner if you're spending the whole time feeling like your butt is too heavy and what if you smother him with your whole body and then he dies and you have to plan a funeral.
5. Don't put up with him doing something you're not into just because you're, uh, kind of busy at the moment. If he's, oh I don't know, putting his nose in your butthole and you're not into that but you feel like you can't tell him to cut it out because you're all up on is peen, just stop for a second. Just because you're both busy doesn't mean communication has to disappear like my favorite lipstick I'm pretty sure my old roommate stole.
6. Pro tip: being on top with all the endless cramping that inevitably follows is not the only move available. You can try laying on your side, which works just as well and won't result in constant "ow, ow, cramp" breaks for eating bananas (potassium, duh) while you massage your own leg.
7. Don't wonder why you can't come during what is arguably one of the most difficult positions to come during. I'm not saying it's not an awesome goal that you can totally have, but it's also not really the main point of the position. It's moreso just a fun thing to do together and the point is mostly to focus on their pleasure and not your own. So in a way, your anxiety about not losing yourself in the moment means you're doing something right, which yay! Because that's almost never the case with anxiety.
8. Never put a surprise finger ANYWHERE. As a matter of fact, don't surprise anyone ever. Draw up blueprints and follow them to the letter. Any deviation from the original plan should result in scolding. Man, sex is fun and breezy.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.