1. How cottage-cheesey your butt and thighs look.
The only thing we're thinking is, Awesome! A lady's butt! Most of us aren't even 100 percent sure what cellulite is.
2. How prickly your legs are.
Most guys would crawl naked through a briar patch for sex, so a little mild chafing is no big deal.
3. If you're wearing makeup.
No guy is about to stop mid-coitus to be like, "Yo, hold up. Where is your blush? Also, what is blush?" Seriously though. What does blush do?
4. If your makeup smears.
Oh, you're hot and sweaty, and so into it that you didn't even remember you had eye makeup on? Yeah, that's fine with us.
5. Your cankles.
Shut up, you don't have weird ankles, and even if you did, no one is staring at them in the middle of sex.
6. The food baby you're nursing.
We understand, because we also housed a burrito for lunch. We're in this together.
7. What your O-face looks like.
It might look weird, but that's usually just a sign that the sex is so good. If it's really bad, it's just confirmation that you're definitely not faking. That's sexy.
8. Literally how long your labia are.
We know going in that every vagina is different. It's not like we're going to bust out a measuring stick and kick you out of it's more than 2 centimeters (4 centimeters? See, I don't even know how long labia are.)
9. The size of your nipples.
You'd have to have Guinness-World-Record-level tiny (or large) nipples for it to really affect us during sex. As long as we can find them (easy, middle of boob), it's all good.
10. Whether or not you have "back fat."
Women talk about back fat all the time. What is back fat? I have never looked at a woman and thought, Wow, that's a fat back. Ever.
11. Whether or not you have a pedicure.
We don't care about pedicures when we're not having sex. Why would we care about them during the best thing ever?
12. Whatever is going on with your stomach.
Everyone we've ever slept with has had stomach rolls and everyone we will ever sleep with will have stomach rolls. It's cute.
13. If your breasts are slightly different sizes.
I'm told this is a thing women are self-conscious about, but I have never noticed, so case in point.
14. What jiggles and what doesn't.
There is no such thing as too jiggly. It's like saying a pizza is "too good" or a car is "too fast."
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo,ph editors.