Let's set the scene. You spent all night having sex, all morning cuddling and looking into each other's eyes or whatever, and you've just realized, Hey, I'm disgusting and could really use a shower. You hop up, grab a towel, and he looks at you from the bed with those sad puppy eyes and asks if he can jump in with you. In case you feel inclined to buckle and foolishly allow this crime of hygiene, here are 12 reasons why showering alone is always going to be the best.
1. Ha, "shower sex," good luck buddy.
It is the fast lane to the emergency room and nothing else.
2. Inviting someone into the shower means forgoing valuable and meditative alone time.
There's no better time to do some deep thinking than those few, slow minutes when your conditioner is soaking in. Your whole week will be messed up if you trade those few moments of silent reflection for some slippery company. That's not worth it!
3. Showers can be so little.
You wouldn't try and squeeze two legs into one pant leg, would you? Why do the same thing with two bodies in a tiny shower stall?
4. Do you really want someone touching you the whole time you're just trying to get clean?
Yes, showers can be nice and relaxing. But really, you're in there for one reason and one reason only—to get clean so you can go about the rest of your day. Someone poking and prodding at you while you're trying to get clean is only going to slow you down (and annoy the shit out of you).
5. That water stream ain't big enough for the two of you.
Unless you've got one of those shower heads that's basically a hot rain shower from your ceiling, someone's getting left out in the cold while the other person's standing under the water stream. Or you could just hop in alone and hog the water all you want.
6. Shaving your legs with an entire other human in there is not only impossible but also potentially deadly???
The terrifying balancing act that is shaving your legs in a slippery shower is dangerous enough without someone else bopping around in that tiny little soap closet. One wrong step and *poof*, you could shave your entire leg clean off.
7. He's definitely going to ask if he can wash your body for you.
And honestly, there is no way he's going to do a good-enough job. Instead, your breasts and butt cheeks will be cleaner than they've ever been before in your entire life, and the rest of your body—including all your little nooks and crannies—will be left entirely ignored and filthy. That's just not good hygiene!
8. What if he asks for a shower BJ?
Danger—not only are shower floors hard on the knees, but have you ever tried giving a blow job while water pours down over both of your bodies? A very good way to simultaneously drown and choke, which sounds like a horrific way to die, TBQH.
9. And oh god, what if he tries to lift you against the shower wall?
Not saying your dude isn't strong and manly and heroic and blah blah blah, but...Bodies have mass, and they get heavy after a time, and when you add slippery soap into the mix, you have the perfect recipe for disaster on your hands. Please don't let this simple hygiene ritual end in a broken neck.
10. Water is the opposite of lube.
Water rinses any actual lube and ~natural, bodily lube~ right off. So what you end up with a very friction-y, painful calamity. Once again, shower sex: It's not feasible and in fact it is bad.
11. They probably have different water temperature preferences than you and ugh.
You prefer your showers so scalding hot that you get out looking like a giant pink baby. He, on the other hand, foolishly believes cold showers are somehow good for you. To that you say: Fuck no. Get in alone and crank up the heat to your heart's content.
12. He could fart.
Don't subject yourself to that torture.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.