1. Not introducing me to your roommates.
When we walk in the door of your apartment to find your two roommates on the couch playing Mario Kart, don’t be weird. We are all grown-ups here. Some of us have probably even had sex before. A simple "Hey guys, this is (insert my name here)" before we head to your room will suffice. We don’t need to stop and chat. But you saying hi to them without introducing me? Weird. You ignoring them altogether and hustling me into your room like some kind of sex ghost that only you can see? Also weird. Don’t make this awkward before we’ve even gotten to the sex.
2. Neglecting to have done any cleaning whatsoever before leaving for the night.
I’m here because you’re cute, not because you’re a pro with a walis, but I also would prefer to not get it on in the room-size equivalent of a dumpster. It takes five minutes to make your bed and shove your dirty boxers underneath, and it’s going to make you look 1000% more adult and me that much more confident in my choice to take off all my clothes in here.
3. Not having a condom.
How? How does this still happen? I don’t care if you thought there was no way in hell you’d be taking someone home tonight, because you just did. Condoms are cheap and available at every corner store and oh, they’re also nonnegotiable. Do not stop. Do not pass vagina. Go directly to the nearest store.
4. Not reciprocating oral.
A curse on any of you who still somehow believe it is acceptable to receive and not give. This doesn’t mean everyone will take you up on your offer—contrary to popular belief, not everyone on the face of this planet likes oral from strangers, or oral at all. But do offer. Didn’t your mother teach you to share?
5. Not using your damn words.
Just stop. Stop it with the Blow Job Head Push, in which you "subtly" apply pressure to the top of my head as if I am secretly a blow job vending machine who will wrap my lips around your junk no questions asked if only you find the right spot to press. Stop it with the Suggestive Pelvic Thrust, in which you angle your pelvis toward mine in hopes that I’ll just let you slide right in. Use your words, and don’t tell me words aren’t sexy. "I would love to feel your lips on my dick/[insert body part here]" is as effective a way of getting head as "Excuse me, but would you terribly mind performing fellatio/cunnilingus on me?" and so much more appealing.
6. Pretend that nothing happened if you go soft.
Sometimes penises go soft mid-sex. It’s not a big deal. Seriously. Alcohol, nerves, fatigue, and more can get the better of hard-ons. But do we both have to pretend that nothing happened and stop all activity? Don’t fall over yourself apologizing (it’s obviously not your fault) or insist loudly that this has never, ever happened before (of course it has), but a casual "Let’s try [insert other activity here] until I’m hard again" is appreciated—I’ll know you’re not embarrassed so that I don’t have to feel embarrassed either, and that you’re still interested in making me feel good. Hot.
7. Not asking me if I need anything after.
Whom do I have to sleep with to get a glass of water around here? Or directions to the bathroom? Yes, I can ask you for these things, and I will. But it’s noticed when you offer. Especially if you do it before you pass out, leaving me lying next to you desperately thirsty in a rando’s dark apartment.
8. Assuming you’re staying over.
I don’t even like sharing a bed with a boyfriend until months into the relationship, after it’s been established that I will be taking up two-thirds of the bed and stealing the covers and he will just have to deal with it for the privilege of waking up next to me. So don’t ask me if you can use my toothbrush. I just met you. I’m sure you’re great, but I need my sleep, not eight hours of spooning with you. If you ask me really, really nicely if you can stay, I’ll still say no, but I’ll say it with a sweet smile and even pay for your Uber home.
9. Pushing me out the door.
Conversely, I’m not going to get offended if you don’t want me to sleep over. I totally get it. See above. But it’s all in how you say it. Bad: "Hey, umm, so you gonna get going now?" or "It’s late, I think you should leave." Good: "I had a great time tonight. Want me to call you a taxi?" Then call me that taxi or Uber or Grab and kiss me at the door, please, giving me the impression that I am a normal human woman who just shared an intimate experience with you instead of an animate sex doll you need to hustle out of your apartment before anyone sees. I promise it’s not that hard.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.