Oral sex, cunnilingus, eating out, licking out, whatever you want to call it: Some people really love to receive it and others can't imagine anything worse. And when it comes to giving oral sex, it's no different. But what happens when you give your partner head all the time, and they never reciprocate? Does this mean they're a selfish asshole, or simply that they're setting their boundaries? Because above all, we know it's never OK to coerce someone into doing anything sexual without their enthusiastic consent.
One woman posted this exact dilemma on Reddit, saying, "My partner expects it, but doesn't reciprocate. Ever. My sexual self-esteem is really low, and I find myself not even being able to get in the mood anymore. I'm 10 years in with someone that thinks foreplay is smacking my ass.
"There's no talking to him about it because defensive is the only reaction I get when I try to have an adult conversation about it. I'm curious about the view from both sides. I'd like to understand his. I'd like to know if it's okay that I feel upset over this and how to approach things moving forward. If there is any moving forward."
So, should it be a deal breaker if your partner won't go down on you? Here's what IRL people think...
- "Yes. On the one hand, I do believe you should never try and make someone do something they aren't comfortable with, but on the other if you want oral and foreplay and he doesn't want to give it then you aren't sexually compatible—that would be a deal breaker for me." [via]
- "Oral shouldn't be reciprocated, it should be willingly given—that is a major deal breaker for me. As a woman, if someone doesn't enjoy giving pleasure through oral, and makes me relaxed enough to enjoy it, then we aren't compatible." [via]
- "I don't think you should think of it as 'an eye for eye' in terms of things to do. But the standard ought to be: If I take interest in pleasing you in the ways I'm comfortable with, you should also take interest in pleasing me in the ways you're comfortable with. So maybe I'm comfortable with eating her out, but she isn't comfortable sucking my dick for whatever reason. But maybe instead we could get a stroker with similar texture and she could use that on me." [via]
- "Yes. Instant deal breaker. Sex is very important to me and if my pleasure isn't equally as important to you as your own, we are incompatible." [via]
- "No, but it depends why they won't reciprocate. My wife loves receiving oral, but hates performing oral. However, her issue stems from sexual trauma when she was a teen. Occasionally, she will try, but it is obvious that it makes her super uncomfortable. But she does try to make up for it in other ways, such as hand jobs. I think what makes for 'mind blowing sex' is when BOTH partners bring their A-game." [via]
- "It's not about 'I do XYZ, so I want the partner also do XYZ'. It's about the equality of attention both partners get. My current partner is very attentive towards me and I sometimes get anxious that I might be too receiving and not enough giving. But she assures me that she also feels desired and everything is in correct order." [via]
- "I've always believed that if a person expects it, they should be willing to give it in return. I'm not saying making someone do something they're not comfortable with, but they have to be okay with you saying no, too. Sexual compatibility is so important in a relationship." [via]
- "As a guy, not really. I can tell my partner isn't really getting off on it and that's a turn off for me. I love giving oral, so I do it. She doesn't, so she doesn't." [via]
- "Absolutely a deal breaker. Being eaten out is my favorite part of sex." [via]
- "It depends on the reason. My partner doesn't. He genuinely dislikes it (he's never even tried it with me, so I don't take it personally). He's not lazy, he makes sure I'm satisfied without it, he just really doesn't like it. On the other hand, I love giving him head. So he gets it often. So yeah, if he was just a lazy, selfish MF, it would be a deal breaker. But the fact that he honestly just dislikes it, well it's a bummer, but fair enough." [via]
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com/uk. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.