To be honest, I’m not entirely sure why you’d want to read a list of the real-deal sex lies men tell.
Me? I’m much happier not knowing. Why the hell would I want to find out that all those orgasms I thought I induced were fake, that my penis size falls somewhere in the 14th percentile, and that pretty much every sexual encounter I had derived from a woman feeling pity for me? They say "ignorance is bliss" for a reason.
But hey, who am I to tell you that you can't handle the truth?
1. “About six months ago.”
You’ve no doubt heard him say this exact phrase after you asked him when the last time he got tested was. He followed it with a pause of just the right length, feigning what appeared to be cognitive activity, as though he was trying to wrack his brain to remember the exact date (he cares and wants to tell you the truth, naturally), without it seeming like he’s trying too hard to remember. Because he certainly is the person who gets tested with the kind of metronomic regularity every woman appreciates. Which is why after just a blip he said, “About six months ago.”
And you said, “Good.”
It wasn’t. Men do not have some sort of backdated rolling physical that’s synchronously timed to half a year before he wound up in your bedroom. Make him show you papers. It was at least two years ago.
2. “You give the best blow jobs.”
No offense to whatever the technique you think you’ve perfected is, probably with what you believe is a patented blend of a little lower half-shaft lick with just a hint of eye contact. But while it’s good, it’s probably unmemorable. It’s definitely not superlative. Of all the blow jobs I’ve gotten in my life, two have risen to the level of leaving a permanent, lasting impression on me. Everything else falls into the category of “basically pretty all right.” But imagine hearing him say that to you while you had his penis in your mouth.
It’s nothing to feel bad about by any means. It’s not a technique humans have needed to evolve to excel at. Just the fact that you are touching our junk with your tongue is enough to make the experience enjoyable, but no, it's not "the best." And think about how many guys have been absolutely terrible at going down at you. We’re not all that different, us men and women.
3. “I can’t go again.”
If you’re in a long-term, healthy relationship, I’ll grant that a guy saying this to you is probably telling the earnest truth. Sometimes you can’t. But for any other sexual encounter, especially the first few times, when a man says this it means one thing: He wants this hookup to end immediately, for this experience was about nothing but his desire to ejaculate. He would rather you not linger the length of time it would take for him to get stimulated again.
4. “I can’t finish with a condom on.”
He can. He absolutely can. It’s a fact of the modern world that literally 100 percent of men have, at one point in their life, orgasmed with a condom on. He’s just saying that because he thinks for some reason you’ll prioritize his desire to have some sketchy-ass unprotected sex over your desire to not have sketchy-ass unprotected sex.
You should probably not have the sketchy-ass unprotect sex with a guy who says he can’t get off with a condom on because, well, I shouldn’t need to explain that one. Speaking of which…
5. “I always use protection.”
If a man is trying to convince you to sleep with him without protection under the auspices that he always uses protection, you can very safely assume he has used the exact same phrase to a dozen other girls.
6. “A couple of times a week.”
You can bet your damn ass every single man under the age of 45 jacks off every single day, and you can be assured that for the vast majority of us, it’s probably more than once a day. And you can also know that you will never get an earnest answer to this query because no guy wants to sit there and watch you add up the weeks only to discover he jacked off 82 times in the month of March.
7. “This has never happened before.”
I am certainly of guilty of telling a lot of lies on this list, but I’ve never understood why men tell this one. I think we believe that if we cop to an occasional inability to maintain an erection, some latent, prehistoric evolutionary trait inside you will dismiss us for lacking virility and move onto another partner. Even though, like, we’ve probably already had sex with you, like, 10 other times and therefore can assume you like us on some level.
But most every woman I’ve been with doesn’t seem to mind when I say “hang on” and tug it for a little bit. That’s much more pleasurable than a performative expression designed to reassure my own manhood.
8. “I love the way you taste.”
I’m absolutely certain he likes the intimacy of going down on you and enjoys the experience of going down on you, but as for like … the actual taste of you? Womankind isn’t a 100-flavor assorted Jelly Belly gift box where each one you bite into is a delightfully unique jelly bean experience bursting with an original delectable flavor on your tongue. It’s more like a gigantic bowl of three different Jelly Belly flavors, like a Toasted Marshmallow and an Island Punch and a Sour Cherry. All enjoyable all the time, but not capable of exciting any one person to the point of needing to compliment every single one as it is being consumed. Like it would be weird if you told your 16th Island Punch Jelly Belly jelly bean you loved the way it tasted, because it tastes the exact same as the 15 before it, and, like, it’s just a jelly bean, man, and you were gonna eat it anyway.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.