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The 12 Emotional Stages Of Having Sex At Your Parents' House

Maybe we shouldn't give in to these urges because my parents are 20 feet away?

1. We should have sex. 
We're both still awake. We're in this little guest room with nothing but an old 13" TV with a built-in VHS player. We know...

2. Please, can't we just do, like, something
All right, yeah, I know your parents are sleeping right next door, but we could do hand stuff, right?

3. We can be really quiet. 
It'll be like a fun game. OK, that sounded creepy, but you know what I meant.

4. I promise, missionary, like, 10 minutes tops. 
I will give it my all. No holding back. No mind games to last longer.

5. Having to be quiet is actually kind of hot. 
We're both into this now, right?

6. Shit, are we being too loud?
That was kind of loud. We're too into this. Dial it back.

7. They must have heard that.
Do you think they heard that? I can't get a rhythm going without feeling like the sound of skin slapping against skin is reverberating around this room like we're boning in an echo chamber.

8. I can't stop thinking about your dad now. 
No, not in that way.

9. He's there, on the other side of that wall...listening. I can feel his presence.
It's like Voldemort and Harry Potter. We have a connection now.

10. I can't. I can't do this. 
This feels too weird. What if he knows I'm coming. I know that makes no sense, but what if he knows.

11. He knows. 
I can feel it in my heart and in my genitals.

12. I lie awake dreading the glare I'll get from him tomorrow at breakfast. 
He will stare into my eyes and know my shame and all of my sins. I will not be able to lift my spoon because my arms will be tied down with the weight of my transgressions, and he will sit at the head of the table and smile. Smile as the sullied yoke around my neck pulls my gaze down to my bowl of Frosties. And he will smile, because he has won.


This article originally appeared on Minor edits have been made by the editors.