1. "I'm so sorry! Oh my god, I feel so bad for you. That's terrible!"
Relax. My entire family didn't just die in a jet ski accident. I didn't break my legs salsa dancing. Save your sorries. Nobody likes to be treated like a victim (except my mom, who's obsessed with it). Telling someone you're sorry is condescending and patronizing. It makes it sound like my life is a World War II documentary, and your life is a Miley Cyrus video. No, thank you! Bye, Felicia!
2. "Have you tried this vibrator/dildo/weed lube/magic potion/witches' brew?"
I'm not an idiot! Obviously I've tried every product under the sun. If it takes batteries, sounds like an angry wasp, and is shaped like a cute animal, it's been inside of me. Thanks for the recommendation, tho!
3. "I totally understand, I rarely come during sex. I can only get there through oral or masturbating."
Not the samesies. That's like telling someone you're an orphan, and your friend's like, "One time, my parents went out of town for the weekend, I get it." No, you don't, not the same. I appreciate you're trying to get on my level, but it's a different thing. Better to just listen and empathize than try to be my reverse eskimo sister or whatever two girls who can't come are called.
4. "You should get off your antidepressants. I heard those fuck with your libido.
Cavalierly telling someone with anxiety or depression to simply "get off their meds" is super irresponsible. Nobody wants to be on medication; it's not something we do because we love crappy side effects. It's something we do to maintain a healthy life. If you've never experienced clinical anxiety or depression, congrats! But also, don't give out advice. Please don't suggest working out/eating healthy/thinking positive/meditating/therapy as a solution. Trust us, we've tried. Depression isn't feeling "bummed," and you can't spin-class your way out of it. Leave the medical advice to the professionals.
5. "Really? Wow. I come so easily. All the time. Once I was riding my bike and I squirted!"
HOW NICE FOR YOU! Sounds like your life is all blue skies and endorphins. Responding to someone's biggest insecurity by bragging about how you're crushing it in the exact same area is some serious Mean Girl shit. I might be missing orgasms, but at least I'm not missing basic human compassion. Check yourself.
6. "Wow, that's crazy! Never? Ever? YOU HAVE NEVER COME A SINGLE TIME IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE? How is that even possible?"
While it might be surprising for you to hear, think of the other person's feelings. No one wants to feel like a freak. Don't make someone feel even more alone by acting like their personal experience is some kind of hellish disaster. Being surprised or curious is totally legit, but think about how you would want someone to respond to something you're not super comfortable with.
7. "Good to know. Hey, did you watch last night's episode of Suits? Harvey is so sexy."
OMG, I completely agree! Why am I so attracted to a guy who plays a broke nurse? But, hold up, why are we talking about this right now? Changing the subject when a friend reveals something personal is super hurtful. It sends the message you either don't care, or you're not listening. Either option is dog doo. Usually, when people avoid a conversation, they're not trying to be mean; they just don't know what to say. If you find yourself at a loss for words, be honest. "I want to be there for you, but I'm not sure how to react." Perfect!
8. "So, why even have sex? What's the point?"
Uh…because it feels good. Sex should be about play and fun and pleasure, not just DID YOU COME OR NOT? That's too results-oriented. Let's enjoy the journey, not just rush through to the destination. I might not have a formal climax, but I experience all kinds of wonderful, juicy feelings. Kissing, licking, biting, caressing, fucking—all that stuff feels amazing. Just 'cause I'm not technically "getting off" doesn't mean I'm not getting mine. I think people need to expand their idea of what great sex means. Did you have a blast? Do you feel closer to that person? Wahoo! You did it! You had great sex!
9. "I never would have guessed that about you! That's so interesting."
Olive oil gelato is interesting. Tilda Swinton is interesting. The fact robots are going to take over the earth and destroy the human race is interesting. The fact I don't come...is just a part of my life. It's not my whole personality. It's not like, "Andrea's the smart one, Kim is the party girl, Sarah is the sporty one, and Rose is the one who doesn't come." No! I object! And what do you mean you never would have guessed? What do you think women who don't climax are like? Just a bunch of awkward Kimmy Gibblers? You can still be a sensual, confident bangin'-ass woman and have difficulty with climax. Mic drop.
10. "I don't think this relationship is gonna work."
Exqueeze me? Are you seriously that shallow and selfish? Just because your dick isn't my personal Excalibur, you want to end things? Wow. Good riddance, dude! Don't hit your head on the way out. Anyone who would dump you for having a human flaw would never have been a good partner in the first place. "What's that? You're not the perfect cartoon version of a woman I read about in comic books? Gross! I'm out!" A real man who cares about you isn't going to be scared off by a challenge. He'll be up for it.
Now, I don't just want to leave you with what you shouldn't say, because that doesn't give you any solutions. I also want to give you tips on what you should say to be supportive and loving.
If you're a friend…
- Thank the person for telling you and trusting you with their personal information. Disclosing our insecurities is how we get closer, so this person obviously is trying to connect with you. Tell them you appreciate them being vulnerable with you.
- Ask questions that are curious and empathetic: How does it make you feel? Do you want any advice? What can I do to be helpful?
If you're a lover…
- Again, thank them for sharing. They just revealed something very personal, let them know you're there for them.
- Reassure them it's OK, you're still attracted to them, and you still find them sexy. This is big.
- Let them know you want to explore and be part of their sexual process. The best response I ever got when I told a guy I don't come was: "That's totally fine. We'll figure it out together. We'll make it fun and playful, and try different things and find out what you like."
BOOM! That's how it's done, son!
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