1. "Well THIS certainly isn't a vagina."
Anal and vaginal sex have a different feel to them, certainly. Unless you're an alien doing preliminary research on humans, you don't need to be told that anuses and vaginas are different.
2. "I'm going to carefully wash my pubes after this just to be safe, but that's the price of admission."
Seems fair. Actually I should probably be doing this more just...in general?
3. "Must. Go. Slow."
There's an unspoken agreement when it comes to anal. Unless otherwise specified, he should be making very gentle love to your anus.
4. "I am probably going to finish pretty quickly."
Hope that's cool with you!
5. "It feels weird to do this any style other than doggy."
Sure, you could do plenty of things with anal, but doggy-style and anal seem to go together like peanut butter and jelly.
6. "Okay, usual sex rules still apply. Do not forget to touch her clit."
This is just common courtesy, but he is likely distracted and may need to speak this mantra out loud. Please forgive him in advance.
7. "I am fully committing to this sex act."
Somewhere in the back of his mind he is remembering the sex ed class or smart friend who told him there can be no blow jobs or intercourse after the penis has entered the butt. You have the option of switching condoms, sure, but washing up first is your more thorough bet. So if you want to switch things up, hand jobs and cunnilingus for all!
8. "Don't say 'cool' out loud."
There's nothing romantic about accidentally stating that this is neat out loud.
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This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com. Minor edits have been made by the Cosmo.ph editors.